Dear God, it's me Carma

Dear God,

It's me again. I know it's been a long time since my last "formal" prayer but I talk to you on a daily basis so I know you haven't, nor will you ever forget me. While I know you know my inner thoughts and feelings I feel the urge to actually express them. I am feeling frustrated and my patience is running thin.

I am wondering how long we will need to wait till jobs come our way. I know that you will provide but do you also write checks to credit card companies and doctors offices? I don't mean to sound sarcastic or doubt your plan but I just wish you plan would be made a little clearer to me.

I need to know how I can help Ayron. You have always placed jobs in his lap and he hasn't had to actually look for one in his life. I am sure that you are teaching him how to look through this whole process but I see how frustrated he is. He feels he is a horrible husband because he can't provide for me. Remind him of how he did provide for me during the last 16 weeks. Remind him that his willingness to put his education on hold for me is another example of his willingness to provide for me. Help me to have the wisdom and words I need to provide for him both emotionally and physically.

I also would like some wisdom on how I can help my mom and sister. You have given them both so much courage in their lives but I am beginning to wonder if it is running out. I pray that you will help mom relax and use this time to reflect and decide what she can do for herself instead of for others. May those she has helped in the past be willing to help her now. Oh, thanks for reminding me to call her when I am done. I also pray for my sister. Bless her, for she was willing to move home to be with mom. I know that she may not realize it, but she is really helping me. I like knowing that someone is there with mom. Help her decide where she needs to be and when she needs to be there. I know she is ready and willing to get out there and help but she is waiting on your calling. I know you work in your time and not ours but send her a blessing.

Be with all of those traveling this weekend, like the Bennetts, the Cooks, and the Carnahans. Bring JoEllen a renewed sense of calm this weekend while her family visits. It will be the first time in a long time that most of us will be together. Help her to relax and enjoy the moment. Be with Jerry, Nikki, and the kids as they travel to Indy for Ayden's check up. May you provide healing for everyone, both emotionally and spiritually.

Ok, ok, you can stop nagging me, I'll go call mom!

Bless those around me,
Carma

What if they don't match?

I have been thinking about taking a "spiritual gifts" test lately, but I find myself hesitating. What if those results don't match with my life? What if I find out that the gifts I have been given don't match those needed to be a great educator? Am I sunk? Will the last five years of my life be thrown away? If they don't match what do I do? It's not like I can fight God about it. Well, I could but I wouldn't be successful. My sister invited me and my husband to a conference for young adults at "her" convent and I really want to go but I just keep thinking, "What if they don't match?" I know that I should have faith and trust that it will work out for the best but I don't want to change my career path. I have worked hard to get to get where I am at and I don't want to leave it behind. I keep coming back to the same dichotomy. On one side it is "What if they don't match?" The other side is "I'm curious about what God has in store for me." I just wish I could completely take that leap of faith to find out what I am supposed to be doing with my life.

Grouchy

I have discovered that I am grouchy. Not in general, although my sister may disagree, but today. And with no real reason why. I am still a week away from my "visitor" so I know it's not that. I tried tanning today to lift my mood, it did temporarily, but not for long. I just feel like being left alone for the whole night which is hard considering I married a man who panics if I sneeze. "What's wrong? What did I do? Blah Blah Blah..." I just wish he had a mute button. Don't get me wrong, I love the man and I don't want him to read this and freak out. I just like to be left alone sometimes. While I can fake the extrovert personality I like to be an introvert. He doesn't understand that women can be grouchy for no reason and pestering them only makes it worse! Maybe my grouchiness stems from my stress.

Ayron still doesn't have a job and the checkbook is getting awfully small. I start school in two weeks and have no way to pay for books let alone tuition. We have my ER visit bill hanging over our heads. I have to pay to take the Praxis II so that I can be licensed. I have yet to begin to study for that and frankly I really don't want to. Ayron needs to have his teeth cleaned for the first time in like 10 years and have a tooth pulled. I need to go to the "female" doctor. The urge for children is kicking in while the practical brain screams "WAIT." Winter time sucks. The two days of continual drizzle and grey are beginning to take its toll. I am fearing depression.

While I've never been officially diagnosed with depression, I have feeling I have come close in the past and I don't want to go back. It seems like everyone in this world is on some kind of "happy pill" and I don't really want to be one of those people. I know that medicine is a wonderful thing, but I also know that it is expensive and we cannot afford it right now. I would rather deal with it, I guess it's just my personality. I think I'm just grouchy. I feel like being grouchy so darn it, I'm gonna be grouchy.

GRRR! I was trying to add an image of Oscar the Grouch but just my luck the computer is not cooperating. Just my luck. GRRR!!!

Frustration

I have tried to be strong and trust in God and wait for his timing, but I am beginning to wonder. Ayron still does not have a job and I cannot start substituting till after the new year so I am going stir crazy. He has two leads out on different jobs so I am praying that something will pan out. While it is nice to be home together and get things done it is frustrating since we can't do anything but stay at home.

On a lighter note, we received my aunts CHRISTmas present box from the UPS Santa. We were given a Kim Anderson ornament ("The Kiss"), a clown puppet (I collect them), a brain teaser puzzle (for ayron), and two LOVELY and unexpected gift cards(gas and kohls). I am trying to get Ayron up so that I can go shopping at kohls, but so far no luck! So a BIG thank you goes out to the PITT's.

After further Review...

After further review I have concluded that CHRISTmas was good for many reasons. We were given many things, mostly for our future kitchen, and some cool gadgets. No major disasters, just some overly tired nieces by the end of the night. We had a scare though. My mom and sister were coming back from Michigan on I-69 when they hit an icy patch and hit a guardrail. Thank God for guard rails! They are ok, and "Boiler" (my mom's car) only suffered minor injuries. I think I was more upset than they were. They called to tell us and I was all freaked out. My sister in law said, "At least they hit the guard rails!"

The BIG Reeves CHRISTmas is today. My father in laws sisters and all of their kids (about 30 people total) will be here today, so obviously my type A mother in law (see past blog) is frantically running around the house. It should be interesting. Several kids running around and a crazy grandma in the corner. I am not kidding. My husbands grandmother is clinically kookoo! They are bringing her up from the nursing home for the day so it should be interesting. She has demenshia and alzthimers along with other illnesses. I probably should get myself up from the computer to do something, but until I figure out what that something is, I'll just sit here!

CHRISTmas Theory

While I know the real story and the real reason for CHRISTmas I do have several humorous theories/thoughts about the holiday. They are as follows:

With corporate (and the government) America attempting to be "politically correct" about the holidays and prayer, I begin to wonder if any of those people passed 11th grade History. Do they not know that our country was founded by religious people? Have they not read the Constitution or the Bill of Rights? Have they not seen the bumper sticker that reads, "As long as there are tests in school there will be prayer"?

Why does the magic of CHRISTmas disappear with age? Why do we stop believing in "Santa?" While I do know that a fat man in a large red suit will not be coming down my imaginary chimney, I do know that people who possess the same freewill spirit are out the in the world spreading joy. As I watch my nieces discover the truth behind "Santa" I begin to wish that I still believed. It is much more fun to think that "Santa" left a present under the tree instead of mom and dad.

Why do people who do good works only during the CHRISTmas season feel they deserve extra praise and attention? Shouldn't we, as Christians, be doing charitable acts all year long? Why do people feel they need to call attention to themselves for doing something they are called to do? Do these types of people not realize that charitable acts are needed year round? Do they think that the homeless/down trodden only need fed on CHRISTmas?

I believe that CHRISTmas separates the world into 3 types of people.

Type A consists of the people who stress over every minor detail. They count the presents to make sure everyone has the same amount. They create a detailed list about what they are going to get everyone and they panic if they cannot find something on that list. These are the type of people who run around the house cleaning the baseboard with an old toothbrush just in case someone decides to look behind the couch at the baseboard. These people also spend time organizing rooms that company will never even see. I live with this type of person, and as sick as it may seem, it is funny to watch them panic over every small detail.

Type B consists of the people who shop when they feel like it and don't worry to much. They find joy in hunting for the perfect gift. They don't make lists, but they know when the perfect present jumps off the shelf at them. While they have a majority of the shopping done by CHRISTmas Eve a few presents remain unwrapped. They focus on having fun and creating memories with the people who come around during the holidays. I am one of these people

Type C consists of the people who just don't care. This group is majority male and married and while they enjoy the holidays, they don't care about shopping. Most don't even shop. These males have usually been married for sometime and have a theory, "I don't need presents 'cuz I buy what I want when I want it. I don't need a particular time of year to get presents. " This is the category that my father-in-law fits in. In fact I pulled this theory right out of his mouth

Well, since I belong in the Type B category I should go wrap those last presents!

Such Strength

In the day and age when cancer seems to run ramped it seems we all know someone who has crossed its path. In the past 3 months I have lost a great uncle and an aunt to the disease. We have also found out that a cousin has been diagnosed with the killer. While some choose to get angry or just give up, one young man has choosen a different road. A young gentelman has been struggling with the disease for some time now. Johnny Chase was diagnosed with cancer some time ago. We have recently learned that the cancer is back and treatment will not help. He has chosen to spend his final days teaching others. Johnny was fortunate to be born into a strong Christian home and has the love of his family, oh and it helps that is dad is a doctor! Being born the 3rd of 12 children, the Chase household is filled with nothing but love. It is remarkable to meet someone who is fighting against the odds, not to live, but to teach. I can only hope that his strength will help others see the light of God. His entire struggle with cancer can be seen at www.johnnychase.org I encourage you to send his family an encouraging email at therook37@hotmail.com

What Cancer Can't Do

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love,
It cannot shatter hope,
It cannot corrode faith,
It cannot eat away peace,
It cannot destroy confidence,
It cannot kill friendship,
It cannot shut out memories,
It cannot silence courage,
It cannot invade the soul,
It cannot reduce eternal life,
It cannot quench the Spirit,
It cannot lessen the power of the resurrection.

"Why must I bear this pain? I cannot tell; I only know my Lord does all things well. And so I trust in God, my All in all, for He will bring me through, whater'e befall."

**UPDATE**
Johnny passed away early this morning at home. It is a relief for the family because he no longer must suffer under the wrath of cancer. He passed peacefully, lying on the couch next to the family Christmas tree.

On Hold for the Holidays

Most people begin their day with coffee or juice. I start my day by sitting on hold with the oh so lovely people at Lilly's Kids. I am trying to order a bed tent for my niece for her birthday. At this rate I'll be on hold till her birthdate! The concept of birthdates brings me to my next random thought of the morning.

Ayron and I have come to the conclusion that when we begin to have children we will need to time their arrival. The following months are already overloaded with relatives and friends.

Jan- brother-in-law, sister, niece, grandmother(although she is gone), uncle

Jul- uncles, aunts, moms, mine, sister-in-law, friend, friends child (soon to be children, both in july, estimated the same day), cousin, cousins baby(still in oven) and I'm sure I'm missing someone.

Aug(end)/Sept(beg)- niece, ayron, other niece

Theoretically this leaves us with the month of June. Our goal is to time the first birth in the "summer break" from school so that I don't have to take maternity leave. Don't start thinking we are going to start trying, heck no! We want to get settled first.

Well, I am still on hold...

Ho Ho Holy Crap That's The Biggest Santa!

My husband volunteered to play Santa for the Spencerville Christmas Party this year. He managed to only make 2 children cry, one of those being our 2 year old niece. She was deathly afraid. We kept telling her that it was just "Uncle Arnie" playing dress up, but she wouldn't sit on his lap. He then lifted his beard to show her and then she proceeded to run around the party pointing at "Santa" and claiming, "That's my Arnie!" We were able to ride around the large town of Spencerville (I say that sarcastically) in the fire truck and run the sirens at 9am. We stopped at certain houses and yelled at them over the trucks speaker. It was fun. Marisa, our niece, still isn't completly comfortble going to Ayron yet, but all in time.

Millie Hansen Auditorium

Last night my husband, mother-in-law and I went to the grand opening of the Millie Hansen Auditorium at Eastside High School. After a cool ceremony honoring Millie (a physically old, yet mentally young activist in this area for the fine arts) the school performed the first musical in the auditorium. It is fantastic! The stage is huge and has so many things built in. 500 seat stadium style seating. State of the art sound and lights. My husband was jealous. When he was the star at Eastside the musicals were held in the old Cafitorium. Katelyn J. stole the show and Mrs. Dolly Levi. That girl needs to get her butt to Broadway. She won a local radio contest to win a trip to actually audition for American Idol. She carried that whole show!

Well, I should get going to Garrett. Everytime I went to get on the substitute list this week either the one lady that can do it was sick or the weather was so bad they cancelled school!

Friendly Wisdom

After sending an e-mail to a high school friend of mine explaining my worries/fears about my current situation (lack of jobs for Ayron and myself) I received a very uplifting reply. Sarah is wise beyond her years and great at encouraging others. She wrote:

I'm writing this email not really sure of what I'm actually going to say. I've been really good at advice in the past, but lately I just haven't had it...I'm kind of in a rut myself. All I know is that God will provide as long as you are in His will. What's His will? That's the question. As long as you are building relationships for His glory and loving those around you then I think you're in His will until He moves you on to something else. It's hard to trust...I'm in that spot too. I know He will provide. He has promised to never leave us or forsake us. Actually, that verse starts out by saying...Keep your lives free from the love of money, but be content with whatever you have for the LORD has said "I will never leave you; I will never forsake you". Does he want us to be lazy and haphazard with our finances? No, but He does want us to completely trust Him to provide. I'm realizing everyone has to come to this point in their Christian walk in order to grow...in order to enjoy the freedom of living in God's presence. He has to bring us to the ends of ourselves so that we can trust Him completely. I want to be there, and I know you do too...I'm not exactly sure how to do that, except to wake up everyday knowing that God will provide and living like He will. We know it in our heads, but it doesn't get to our hearts until we experience it. He wants you and Ayron to experience it, and you will if you will trust Him.
I'm not sure what to say about Ayron getting a job. There aren't many around...I know, I've been looking too, but about as hard as he has. I guess you just have to trust Ayron too. Help him in anyway you can to find a job he wants to do, but if he feels that he's okay waiting then you have to trust him in that decision. Don't let him be lazy, but don't be so pushy that he listens to you instead of God. I don't know what it is to have to trust another person like that yet, but it seems like that's the way it will have to be. God has not called us to be comfortable or to always stay the same. God has called us to a dynamic life of love and adventure...all to glorify Him. God also didn't call us to go through all of this on our own and I have found it so helpful to have friends who are going through the same thing and are willing to talk about it and trust God to bring the answer. Sorry, I really didn't know what I was going to write and I really didn't know it would be that long. But, writing this to you has helped me too, so THANKS! Carma, I love you and I would love to join you as you work through these things and make decisions for your future (and present). I'll be praying for you and Ayron, that God will direct you in the way you should go. Joining with you as you join with Him, Sarah

It was very encouraging to reconnect with an old high school friend. I only hope she is able to trust in Him and wait patiently while He arranges a job for her, either here or away. She has so much wisdom and I know God will use her in fabulous ways. While she is not sure what she is doing here or why she came back home, I am pretty sure she was sent back here to help me.

Finally Done!

I am finally done with student teaching. They ended up canceling school Friday due to snow so my last day I didn't actually do anything! I managed to fax my paper work in on Friday and drop off the "official" copy off today. I picked up my portfolio (a huge graduation requirement that is a hassle). I earned a 64 out of 68. I was happy, but my happiness turned to extaticness (is this a word?) when I discovered that the head of the education department evaluated my portfolio and gave me a 65! Yeah, apparently I do know what I am doing.

In other news, Ayron is without a job. He left Ben Davis for a company in Fort Wayne. Two days into training he discovered it was a pyramid scam and he left. There are several opportunities at various places, it's just a matter of talking to the right person at the right time. I am trying to put my trust in God, but when I watch the check book slowly disappear, I panic. What makes it worse is that Ayron isn't even worried. I don't know if he has a calm from God or if he is filled with stupidity! I know he is not stupid, but I wish he would do more to find a job. He called a couple of places today but I think that was only because I begged him. I guess it just bugs me that he sat at home all afternoon playing playstation when he could have been out applying places. He just keeps telling me not to worry, he'll find something. I just wish his serach would be more active. If he was actively looking I probably wouldn't be as worried. I am trying not to worry because it will only make me sicker, but I do not like the idea of neither of us having a job! I am going into Garrett tomorrow (the lady was sick today) to do all of the stuff needed to get on the substitute list there. Just keep us in your prayers and if you have any job openings, let us know.

Praying for Snow

Yeah! Today is a short day. We get out at 12:40! I will get out even earlier, at 12! I have prep during the last hour of the day (since they changed the schedule today to accommodate for lunch). I plan on spending all afternoon doing just about nothing! I might attempt to wrap the last presents, but if not, oh well.

I am praying for the snow the weatherman said we are supposed to get. Some stations say 2-4 inches while others are saying 5-7. Either way, I am hoping for at least a delay if not a cancellation so I don't actually have to come to school on my last day of student teaching. I had Mr. V finish all of the paper work today "just incase." It would be cool though, to finally be able to sleep in during the week. I think that I was the only student teacher who did not have an unscheduled delay these past 16 weeks. I feel robbed. Sure, there were times when there should have been a delay, but there wasn't. Oh well. ONE MORE DAY!! I MADE IT!! I MANAGED NOT TO LOSE MY MIND!!(hey, no wise cracking comments about how I never had one to begin with)!!!

Hubby's New Job and My Celebrations

Well, Ayron, got a new job last night. He now works for Hydrasystems. It is based in Fort Wayne and it is a very profitable company. He will receive a base pay every week which will total up to be $1,000 more a month than his job at Ben Davis. Plus the option of commission on top of that large base pay. It will be nice to have some extra money to pay everything off and start looking at houses of our own. We have already been invited to the Christmas party, so that is cool! Ayron was the only one yesterday (an open interview call) who dressed nicely and brought a resume with him! It paid off!!

Today, each of my classes is having a party for me. My last day is Friday, but since today is a short Wednesday (they get out early) we are parting in each class. It's funny how a party for me turns into an excuse to have parents bake cookies and spend money on candy. Basically, it was an excuse for the students to get each other hopped up on sugar early in the morning!

A Much Better Day!

I am having a much better day today! I am feeling better which I am sure helps! Ayron had an interview today for a new job which pays well, so hopefully that will work out. He is supposed to call back tonight between 6 and 7 to find out. It would be cool if he got the job because it is better hours and $1,000 more a month than what he makes right now.

Student Teaching Update: I am officially done student teaching on Friday. I found out that Thursday is an early dismissal day! Yeah! I get out 2 1/2 hours early! Maybe I can finish up my Christmas shopping! I will teach through Thursday then spend Friday observing. I can't believe I am finally almost done!! Yeah!!

I Hate Mondays!

I managed to drag my feverish butt to school today. I opted to sit today and let the actual teacher teach. I spend the day grading papers and updating grades. At least I got myself caught up on grading. I would much rather go home and sleep tonight, but I have the appreciation event at IPFW tonight. I am going to make a good impression on the principal of Garrett because I really want a job there. I am wondering how good of an impression I can make being this sick. I had one student come up to me today and say, "Wow, you don't look good!" How do you respond to that? Well I am going to go to the clinic and get some tylenol.

Drug Bust

I have realized another "high point" of being a public school teacher. I saw that sarcastically. I have just spent the past 1 1/2 locked in my classroom with 31 7th graders. The school brought in drug sniffing dogs. Not a big deal you say? It is frightening to hear the dogs bark and scratch at the lockers because they were in the 7th grade hallway. Why are 7th graders bringing drugs to school?! Everytime the dogs started to bark my kids became all creeped out. I am hoping they didn't actually find anything. I guess that is just another perk of working at a large public school.

Am I Done Yet?

Once again, these little rug rats have infected me with their germs. I managed to drag myself to school, but not before falling asleep on the drive here. It was frightening to realize that I had driven off the road. I didn't wreck the car or anything, but the front right tire managed to leave the road before I was so rudely woken up. I am hoping that I have not developed mono. A good friend of mine was just diagnosed with it and she got it from her fiance. Her fiance works with my husband, hence the disease comes full circle. I was praying for a delay today, but once again God decided that I should drag myself to school on time. Maybe he'll grant my wish tomorrow morning. At least today is an easy day. I plan on going home and taking a nap. Maybe I can curl up during prep.....YAWN....