Approval

Why do we (ok, well, I) seek approval from those around me? I like to think that other's opinions of me does not matter, but that is not the case. I'm good at acting like I don't care, but deep down I do. I realized that this weekend.

I have been seeking a certain persons approval for 6 1/2 years now. Every time I think I've made progress, BAM, I'm slapped in the face with yet another comment/action from the person. I often ask myself, "why even bother?" I don't know why, but I do.

I have a fear that I will never live up to this persons standards and that I will always be left out. This was made apparent this weekend. Everyone else was introduced by this person, when it got to me, it was like I didn't exist. Then that person wonders why I was mad and decided to be anti-social for a time. I get it, I'm not perfect, I never will be. I'm fine with that, being perfect would be horrible. I just want to be accepted.

What really bugs me is that if there isn't a crowd around, this person is so nice and acknowledges me and all if fine. Then, in public or a crowd, suddenly, I'm invisible. This makes me think that the niceness this person gives in private is fake. It's just really frustrating and can take a toll on a persons emotions.

I have confronted this person three times over the years about their comments, actions, etc. Things are hunkie dorie for about a week, then the old person emerges. I am constantly amazed at how loving this persons spouse is, so I just don't get how this person can be such a cold hearted ......errr, ok, I know that's not fair. It's getting old and I don't know how much more of this persons junk I can take. I will never meet their standards, so why do I try?