Torn

"Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities." - Aldous Huxley

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I am torn. I want to be in a public school so badly I can taste it. Then I have a night like Saturday night and I don't want to leave my current job.

Saturday night we had an office party at a co-workers house. Spouses were invited and a good time was had by all. I have the best co-workers. We played euchre and I managed to make my boss ice skate on the Wii. In what other office can you have a ping pong tournament while drinking and smoking? (I didn't smoke so no soap box lectures please). It was great to hang out withe everyone and we get along so well.

Sure, if I were to leave there are some things that I wouldn't miss but I am afraid that I am becoming jaded and that cannot be good for my future students. My students need understanding and a clean slate and while I think I can still offer that, I know that in the back of my mind I have preconceived notions that do not need to be there.

I have always thought that I knew what my dream job would be. I student taught at a particular school and applied for a position there once without so much as a call back. Then I found out that my dream position could be open again. I waited and waited for it to be posted, but I never saw it. I found out yesterday that a friend of mine (actually my nieces aunt from the other side of the family) got the job. At first I was bummed. That was "my" job. She knew how much I wanted to get in there, how dare she? That quickly passed and I am happy for her but I can't help but wonder, "What about me?"

So in order to be happy do I stick it out here another year or do I actively pursue a public school job? I have invested so much in this program that to leave, even on good terms, will break my heart. Who will love these students? Then I realize that if I am in a public school maybe I can make a difference in their lives before they get to their breaking point.

Some may say that I am crazy. Teachers who have been in the schools for years are probably waiting for my eagerness and hope to die. To those types of teachers I ask, "Why did you go into teaching? Do you even remember?" I want to see each student succeed. Unfortunately where I am at now most of my students have been trampled on by the public school system and have lost hope. I want to restore that hope.

I know that my eagle is out there somewhere (referencing a previous sermon from NewHope.in) but I am not seeing it. I keep praying and asking but at times I find myself whining to Him like an impatient child. I know that He will lead me, but I have always had a problem with being blindly led. I know that He is not blind, but at this point I am. Maybe I am not looking at the situation correctly. Maybe I am missing His subtle hints because I am busy looking for a giant billboard with directions for me to follow. Maybe that pigeon in my office window is my "eagle." Then again, maybe it's just a pigeon from the homing pigeon people who live across the street from my office.

Lord help me to realize what You want for me. Help me to be still and patient and to wait for Your guidance. I am wiling and waiting but still unsure. Help my doubt to be erased and my confidence restored. Guide me where You want me to be and not where I think I should be.