Friday, September 28, 2007

Taylor is.......

stubborn! We were unable to find out Taylor's gender last night. Taylor likes to sit cross legged on his/her ankles. Oh, Taylor likes to suck his/her thumb and wave at the ultrasound. We now have to wait till October 26th to discover the baby's gender. Oh well, guess God is still working on teaching me patience.

I still need to scan the pictures in, maybe I'll attempt that this afternoon.

Thursday, September 27, 2007


I love quotes. I have a journal full of them at home that I have collected as well as published books of quotes. I just love them!

I am reading The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom (author of Tuesday's with Morrie). It is an interesting book and I think now a movie too. Anyways, I came across this quote and it struck me. The protagonist is reunited with his former Army Captain and they are discussing how the Captain died (While escaping from enemy prison he stepped on a land mine while checking to see if the road was clear. The rest of the group was in an escape vehicle with the protagonist badly wounded in the backseat). The Captain says the following:

" That's the thing. Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious (talking about his own life to save the protagonist) you're not really losing it. You're just passing it on to someone else."

I don't know why, but that quote struck me. I guess I had never thought of sacrifice in that manner. It makes you look at sacrificing something in a whole new light.


Reuters - Wed Sep 26, 10:16 AM ET
Baby girl Nadia (L), who weighed 7.75 kg (17.1 lbs) after birth, lies in a maternity ward in the Siberian

Good Luck

I just want to say Good Luck to my two nieces who are showing their rabbits this morning. They each have one show rabbit and one meat rabbit. My oldest niece also has a meat pen. They had to be ready to show at 6:30 this morning so I am sure it wasn't easy to get them up, out of bed, dressed and to the barns that early. When we called at 7 they were on the judging table waiting for their turn. Hopefully the judging goes well and that tomorrow they sell the rabbits for big money. Big money means more money saved for college.

Looking In

Have you ever looked at your life as an outsider? Imagined how people see you and compare that to how you actually are at home. I recommend it, it can be very insightful.

As I was driving to work I was feeling a bit down about some things and I passed someone I know. I thought, "Now they have it all together. Great spouse, nice house, good job, etc." Then I wondered, "I wonder if they have any problems?" Of course we all have problems, we all don't share them, but we all have them. It sounds sick, but it made me feel better to realize that everyone has struggles.

I then wondered how our opinion of everyone would change if we all knew each others problems. Would be love them the same? I hope so, but deep down I know that would change some peoples minds.

Turtle or Hamburger

I have an ultra sound this afternoon and we are hoping to find out the gender of Taylor so we can start using the proper pronouns. For those of you who have never had an ultra sound, if they see a turtle, it's a boy. A hamburger is a girl. I am only 15 weeks and 5 days and they usually wait until at least 16 weeks, so we are hoping that Taylor cooperates and we can know.

I really don't care either way. I just want a healthy child. I would like to have a boy some where along the line, but I know that Ayron really wants Taylor to be a boy. Ayron is the last Reeves and he wants to carry on the name. I am afraid that he might be slightly disappointed if Taylor is a girl. I just really want to know that everything is ok. I read At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks this week and it freaked me out. If you are pregnant, don't read that book!

I am afraid I'll be disappointed if we get there and they can't tell. That would mean another month of waiting and wondering. We have been using the pronoun "he" when we are at home and once I slipped and said it in front of his family and they got all excited about Taylor being a boy. Once they calmed down I had to explain that we didn't know yet.

I'm also hoping to hear that I've gained weight. Odd, you never hear/read a woman say/write that, but I am. I've lost around 15 maybe 20 pounds so far this pregnancy. Ayron is concerned that I don't eat. I do! I just have been eating healthier. I am much more conscious about what I eat (of course as I write that I see a mini KitKat sitting on my desk and I am seriously thinking about devouring it). I hope I can keep that will power up after Taylor is here. I'd love to get back down to the size I was my freshman year in college (I didn't gain the frosh 20, I lost the frosh 25). Half of that KitKat is gone now.

I just wish I could speed up time and make it 2:45 so that I could know. Pray that all is well. Oh yeah, no more KitKat.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Cute Picture

He had one to many pretzels, or maybe it was one to many beer bottles that did him in.

Quotable Quotes

Here are two funny quotes from our (Ayron and I) conversations last night.

# 1 : I was feeling antsy so we went to the fair and walked through the tent (I didn't want to mess with downtown and the parade. We decided to check on our nieces rabbits down at the barns before we came home. As we were walking through the rabbit barn:

Me: I'll look on this side, you look on that side.
Ayron: Okay.
Me: Oh, Ayron, look rabbits.

Everyone looked at me like I was stupid. Of course there are rabbits, I was standing in the middle of the freaking rabbit barn. You should have seen the look on one of the 4-H fathers that was there cleaning cages. I'm sure I looked very dumb. What I intended to say was "Look, the girls' rabbits." Ok, so I guess you had to be there to hear me exclaim "Look, rabbits."

# 2: After we got home from the fair Ayron was complaining about how sore he was from playing flag football Sunday afternoon. He was moaning and groaning and I told him to take some Tylenol and a hot shower. He pouted like a little kid and said, "Even my fat rolls hurt." I fell to the floor laughing because when I turned to look at him he was holding his tummy pudge in his hands and closely examining it like if he looked close enough he could make it stop hurting.

Monday, September 24, 2007

I Love Being Productive

I love being busy at work. It makes the day go faster. I was grouchy this morning because I thought I'd have another boring day at work with nothing to do (I know, to some people that sounds great, but I'd rather be busy, makes the day go by quicker).

I managed to get a lot done today:

*I entered points into case management
* Updated point board
* Updated files in case management
* Talked to someone about our grant (thanks for the $2k)
* Finished planning October Activities for the after school program (took the longest)
* Cleaned off my desk
* Cleaned out my desk
* Cleaned out the mini fridge in my office
* Reran some cords to prevent tripping hazards
* Dusted in my office
* Cleaned off top of filing cabinet
* Cleaned off my bulletin board
* Did monthly Clerk assessments
* Started monthly probation reports

Now, if I could just find something to do to occupy the last hour and half of the day.

Random Rambles

I have a million thoughts going through my head right now and really, I can't link any of them together, but I feel the need to get them out there, so this blog will be a bit disjointed. This is nothing new if you know me, but believe me, there is a story behind each comment.

* What is the fascination with pregnant bellies? My sister wanted to take a picture of my stomach. I didn't show it off before I was pregnant, why start now? My Aunt wants Ayron to take belly pictures. I don't know why, but I'm not comfortable with that. I'm not a fan of documenting my weight in pictures to begin with, so why start while I'm gaining weight?

* Yeah for Justin. Going to the chapel and we're (actually they're) gonna get married. Going to Africa and they're gonna work with orphans......

* Why did Kianne call me right after running into ________? I don't mind, it just reminded me of being in high school. It was cool to learn what I learned.

* "Flag Football" doesn't exists when you get a bunch of guys together. People still end up getting tackled.

* I am not a fan of these out of control emotions. I found myself crying at "Save the Last Dance" while I was home on Saturday. Seriously! I know it's a movie, but still, I was bawling like a baby.

* I wasn't feeling kicks, I was feeling hiccups. Funny feeling, but I still want to feel a kick. I am getting excited about our appointment this Thursday. I am really hoping we can find out the sex. Pray that we can! I don't care either way, I just want Taylor to be healthy. I want to know. I think it will make it seem more real to me. Taylor will have a pronoun.

* The fair begins today. I have mixed feelings about the fair. I like the industrial tent. I like the animal barns. I don't like the scary people that run the rides and games. I don't like running into all of those people from high school you wished you'd never see again.

* My appetite is finally back! I went grocery shopping Saturday and I did a dumb thing. I went before eating lunch. I did manage to fight craving urges, but I am looking forward to that ham steak that is currently occupying the second shelf in the fridge.

* I think I have run out of things to say.....for now anyways.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Why Am I Here??

As I sit in my lonely office, I wonder, "Why am I even here?" I don't have any day students. I have put in my required hours for the week. I feel like left over mashed potatoes that have been left on the stove to rot. All of my after school kids are sick.

There are three things keeping me here today: I have a meeting with my boss at 10 (will last all of like 5 minutes), at work I have Internet access, waiting for the grant paperwork so I can buy computers.

I did manage to remember to bring a book today, so I guess I could occupy myself with that for awhile.


@ Nathan: Ahh, I would love that! It would give me a challenge and something to do. The busier I am the quicker time passes.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Kid Nation

I have been following the controversy about the new CBS show "Kid Nation." A lot of people and critics are against it. While I don't know all of the details, I do know that the controversy probably also caused a lot of people to watch the premiere last night. I did manage to catch several of the kids and parents being interviewed by morning shows yesterday. The kids and parents are comfortable with the whole thing.

Ayron and I watched the episode last night and were impressed. It is great to see kids that young with a solid head on their shoulders. It was also amazing to see all of the kids interact with Jimmy in an attempt to cheer him up. Even the two big bullies wanted him to stay. I think it will be a very interesting show to watch.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

In My Condition

I just got off the phone with a co-worker. We were talking about something and she said, "In you're condition, that's probably the last thing you need." She said it like I was fatal ill. My mom has even begun to freak out. I got a bit of sun yesterday and she was sure I was hot, over heating, getting sun poisoning, something. At the reunion this past weekend I was stepping down from a wall (you just have to know the yard) and someone yelled at me for doing it.

Seriously people, I'm not dying, I'm not fragile, I'm pregnant. Millions of people have gone down this path before me. Thousands of women work in rice patties right up until the head pops out. People work in harsher conditions and do more on a daily basis than I do. I am be cautious, it's not like I'm out sky diving or anything. So please, while some women may want that babying, I don't . I'm not dying and I'm not handicapped. I can still (this could change) do things for myself.

I felt it, I think....I hope...

Sunday Ayron and I drug a bunch of clothes to the laundry mat. I am in the process of packing away summer clothes and unpacking fall/winter clothes. Everything needed to be washed. Why not wash at home you ask? Well, our washer has decided to become bulimic every time you try ot use her (if you have an eating disorder, that was not intended to hurt you). Ayron is supposed to pull it away from the wall and check some things, but that hasn't happened yet. So, we took everything to the laundry mat. Let me tell you, the laundry mat is an interesting place. If I had a creative writing assignment I was stuck on, I'd go there and sit. You could come up with a ton of story plots based on the people in there. Anyways, I'm getting off track.

After we loaded the washers, Ayron left to grab us some lunch. It was horribly hot in the building, so I took my book outside and sat down. As I was reading At First Sight I felt the oddest sensation. It was not a gas pain or a stomach growl. It was lower. I rubbed my flub and thought, "huh, odd." I kept reading for another couple of pages when it hit me. Taylor was kicking and I felt it! I had read in books that the first time you feel a kick it kind of feels like an odd gas pain. I think I felt Taylor kick. It is very odd, yet exciting all at the same time.

We are hoping when we go to the OBGYN next week they will be able to tell us the sex of the child. I will only be 15 weeks and 5 days (usually around week 16 they start checking). We are really hoping Taylor will be cooperative and allow us to know. I really hope we can know. I don't know if I can wait till around Halloween to find out. I think once I know the sex it will seem that much more real.

Monday, September 17, 2007


Why do we (ok, well, I) seek approval from those around me? I like to think that other's opinions of me does not matter, but that is not the case. I'm good at acting like I don't care, but deep down I do. I realized that this weekend.

I have been seeking a certain persons approval for 6 1/2 years now. Every time I think I've made progress, BAM, I'm slapped in the face with yet another comment/action from the person. I often ask myself, "why even bother?" I don't know why, but I do.

I have a fear that I will never live up to this persons standards and that I will always be left out. This was made apparent this weekend. Everyone else was introduced by this person, when it got to me, it was like I didn't exist. Then that person wonders why I was mad and decided to be anti-social for a time. I get it, I'm not perfect, I never will be. I'm fine with that, being perfect would be horrible. I just want to be accepted.

What really bugs me is that if there isn't a crowd around, this person is so nice and acknowledges me and all if fine. Then, in public or a crowd, suddenly, I'm invisible. This makes me think that the niceness this person gives in private is fake. It's just really frustrating and can take a toll on a persons emotions.

I have confronted this person three times over the years about their comments, actions, etc. Things are hunkie dorie for about a week, then the old person emerges. I am constantly amazed at how loving this persons spouse is, so I just don't get how this person can be such a cold hearted ......errr, ok, I know that's not fair. It's getting old and I don't know how much more of this persons junk I can take. I will never meet their standards, so why do I try?

Friday, September 14, 2007

Oh Happy Day...

Once again, work is slow. The schools haven't sent me any kids for the day program, and with ISTEP being next week, I'm pretty sure I won't get any then either.

When I got back from lunch with K, I had a message from my office secretary saying UPS had delievered a package for me. "Yeah rah," I thought. "My urine sample cups are in." Needless to say, I didn't rush right over to get the package. After discovering I had nothing to do, I made myself make the trek across the street to get the package.

I had forgotten that I ordered a lot of free things from If anyone out there is a teacher and is looking for free resources, this site is amazing. I have fallen in love with the "One World" poster set. I can't wait to watch the three movies I ordered as well. They all focus around tolerance (hence the site name) and they all came with state standard lesson plans. The best part (well, besides being free) is that the lesson plans are cross curriculum. They have Language Arts lessons, Science lessons, Math, etc. I am so excited. I don't know if I'll be able to adapt any of them for activities with my after school program, but I can defiantly use them when I return to a public school.

If anyone who works with youth is looking for free tolerance materials, I highly recommend that site. It's great.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Two Weeks and Counting (Up)

Due to the fact that I work for the government (in a round about way) I do not have a paid maternity leave. I have been trying to stock up on extra comp time as well as not using vacation time or sick time. I checked my database today and so far, if you add my comp time as well as sick and vacation days I have a total of two weeks. Yeah! They have found work that I can do while I'm home with the baby, but I'd rather earn at least another 2-3 weeks of comp time in the next several months.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Radio Debate

I was listening to a local radio station this morning while I was getting ready for work. The DJ's were debating a recent news event. About a week ago a principal at a Cincinnati school mistakenly left her infant child in the car for 8 hours while she was at work. The police say the child's death was an accident. The mom says that she forgot the child because she changed her morning routine to stop for doughnuts and the child was sleeping and never made a sound.

The DJ's wanted to know the public's opinion on the following: Should she be able to keep her job? The callers had valid points on both sides of the issue. If she can't watch her own child, why should the school district put her in charge of a whole middle school? Everyone makes mistakes. Have you done nothing that would put your child in danger? Etc. It was interesting to hear the debate.

I haven't made up my mind about the whole thing. It seems that this is happening a lot lately. Mom thought dad had the child, mean while dad loaded the child in mom's car, mom leaves baby in car while at work, etc. I guess I just wonder how you could forget your child is in the car? Do you not use your rear view mirror? The child doesn't make any noise? You don't look in the backseat before you go into the building? I don't know, I've never been in that situation, and I pray that I never am. It is just sickening to know that this children were helpless.

What is your opinion on the principal? The school board met last night to decide her fate, but I haven't found their decision yet.

We Still Stand!

Spend today remember those who died. Those who willingly and unwillingly lost their lives 6 years ago today. Remember them and their families. Be grateful for your family and the freedom you have. Pray for those who selfishly rushed to "the Pile" to help those in need, and who are now suffering horrible health problems. Remember.

**I do not care what your views on the war are. I do not care what you think of Bush. I do not care about your political views. I do not push mine on you, so I am asking you to keep them to yourselves. Thank you.

Monday, September 10, 2007

For Real??

You have got to be kidding me? Check this out.

This bugs me for a couple of reasons.

1.) Is is that slow of a news day that most of the news stations were reporting on this?!

2.) They sent the burger to the state testing lab? Shouldn't those scientist be oh, well I don't know, trying to solve a murder or something?

3.) They actually put her in jail? Come on? Sure, let those rapists, murders, speeders, etc go, but nope, nope, that McDonalds employee who made a mistake must pay!

4.) Is McDonalds going bankrupt? Are they so stretched for money that they couldn't throw away the salted meat and start fresh?

How Can That Be?

I am confused. I lost 10 pounds last month (I know, I know, don't bother lecturing me, I get enough from Ayron and my OBGYN). So if I lost weight, why don't my pants fit? Here is what makes it really odd. They fit Friday night, and Saturday morning. Sunday afternoon, nope! I'm down to two pairs of jeans (the one is really pushing the tight factor) and one pair of khakis (which I currently cannot find). Blech. Time to admit defeat and start shopping for maternity pants.

I guess I shouldn't complain. I was talking with a friend yesterday (her due date is 10 days after mine) and she has already gained 10 pounds. She told me that with her previous two children she gained at least 60 pounds. YIKES! Granted she is a little lady, but I don't want to gain that much! It was comforting to talk to her husband though about fears. He admitted that he was so paranoid about something being wrong with their youngest (his first) that he nearly drove himself crazy. So at least I'm not alone there.

Friday, September 07, 2007


Dear Lord,

Please bless the racing pigeon that just flew into my office window. Grant him/her eternal life up with all the other pigeons. It was not his fault he flew at the perfect angle to be caught in a wind current that slammed his/her little grey and white body into my perfectly clean window.

I also pray for his family. May they be able to support themselves without his love. Bless his former owner (his house is across the street from my office). May he be able to pick another pigeon out of his flock of several to fulfill George's (let's assume it was a boy) duty of pooping on my co-workers cars, attacking innocent people on the sidewalk, and just plain being a nuisance.

I also pray that the nice people doing community service at my office this weekend find George's body and provide him with the proper burial (just a hint, but there are two large dumpsters across the street). May they also clean the window that George greeted violently.

I am grateful Lord that George did not break my window, so thank you for that!


I Miss High School

Ok, I know what you are thinking, "WHAT?!" Hear me out. I DO NOT MISS BEING A HIGH SCHOOLER, I miss teaching in a high school.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I had a terrible high school experience. 9th and 10th grade were rough, but that's to be expected. I had a ball my junior and senior year. I wish I had been more active in high school, but at that time, my priorities were elsewhere.

I realized that I missed working in a high school this morning. I have been forced to change my mindless drive to work due to construction. Leaving earlier than normal found me caught in high school traffic. As I sat in a long line on 427, I began remembering my student teaching experience. I loved those kids. Don't start thinking I'm like one of those sex crazed teachers that has/wants to seduce a student, that's that yuckie and gross. I saw them as mini adults that were trying to find their way. I helped them find their way. In return they didn't see me as the enemy teacher, they saw me as a person who is willing to help them succeed at anything. I will admit that I am jealous of two of my friends. They have jobs working at the high school we attended. I would love to! I hope to.

I want to be able to teach, create lesson plans, inspire and help. I spend my time now cautiously stepping over government red tape and filing reports. I want to rediscover my passion for Beowulf and Canterbury Tales. Oh, and redo my lesson plans for The Crucible. I miss those kids. I was surfing through friends "friends list" on facebook the other day and I saw DW. I had him as a junior and now he is a freshman in college. I see his parents at church, but I'm sure they really don't know who I am.

I just really want a public school job.........

Thursday, September 06, 2007

I Don't Want To (Part II)

Here is an interesting update on a previous post. I did a little more digging on the whole situation. I don't want to believe that this person is lying to me, but in this business, it does happen.

As I was reviewing drug screens today, I noticed that my students mother had recently been screened. To my "shock," mom tested positive for THE SAME THING! Hmmmm. That's a head scratcher.

Unconditional Love

It seems the theme of unconditional love has been popping up a lot in my life lately. I have been talking to my friend (post from yesterday) about love and relationships. When I finally allowed myself to be quiet (yeah, yeah, make your jokes here) this song kept ringing in my ears. Maybe it's because I just got the cd and it was in the cd player, but I choose to believe HE had a hand in it.

Simply Nothing - Shawn McDonald
So hard to fathom the pain in Your eyes
As You're watching Your children, doing what You despise
In pursuit of our own
We just go round and round
Another nail to our cause
We continue to pound
What are you, man, if you do not learn love
What are you, man, if you do not learn love
So hard to fathom, oh, the feelings inside
As You're watching Your people choosing to die
You called out a warning
To all that would hear
Saying come to Me, come to Me
And I will draw near
Learn love
I must
Learn love
Learn love
Learn love
Learn love
Learn love

Only My Husband...

If you know my husband and myself at all, you know we are constantly blaming each other's faults on our high school experience. We attended rival high schools, and ironically enough, is was that rivalry that brought us together.

As we were driving home from his brother's the other night I asked what he wanted to do with the evening. I secretly he would say, "Well, I thought I'd start by helping you clean the "nursery," and then I'll attempt to fix the washer, then end the evening by taking Scooter for a walk." (Hey, I can dream can't I?) His real response was, "I think I want to play some playstation." When he asked me, I replied, "I could go for nine rounds of Hot Shot's golf." He looked disappointed. He loves when I willingly play playstation with him. I asked him why he looked disappointed. This is the conversation that followed.

Ayron: Well, I, uh, just noticed that you haven't been reading a lot lately.

Me: Yeah, I kind of burnt myself out this summer reading one a day.

Ayron: Well, its just that, Taylor is going to get his/her dashing looks and charm from me, and you're the only shot Taylor has at brains, so don't let your brains go by playing playstation.

I laughed so hard. He was serious. I wish I could have captured his face.

Me: Well, you're right, after all, I'm the one who graduated from DeKalb.

Ayron: I won't hold it against you. You got your brains in college, after all you graduated with an IU degree.

So, like a nerd I dove back into my summer reading list. While I read a lot of books this summer, none of them were on my list of books I planned on reading. I am currently reading my way through the Eliot Rosewater collection for young adults. I want to have a broad knowledge of several books when a student asks me for a recommendation. In the past two days, I have read two books. I read The Nanny Diaries for laughs. After finishing that I concluded there is no way I could ever be a nanny, not that I ever wanted to be. Yesterday I read That Crazy Little Thing Called Love. This book is truly insightful. It is a Christian book based around principals of marriage, but each chapter is a song title. It is a very good book. I recommend it to anyone who is married or thinking about getting married.

Today I will start Free Inside and Out. I don't think I'll be able to get through it all today since I have a two hour meeting this morning and some reports to write this afternoon, but who knows.

So hopefully Taylor benefits from all of this reading, Lord knows I don't want him/her to have an Eastside education. I am joking. I have several friends who graduated from Eastside, I do not mean it literally, so don't get all huffy and defensive.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

I don't want to

I don't want to believe it. I just don't. I like to think that people are generally good and that the kids I work with are the way they are due to environment. I think our environment does shape who we are and how we act. Most of my "kids" come from dysfunctional families, so no surprise they have similar issues to their parents. I do believe that they can choose to overcome their situation and create a better life for themselves.

I have one kid in particular who is a doll. I haven't had any problems from her. She is always on time, polite, interactive, etc. She is 9 day from being done with my program. I just got her drug screen results back. She tested positive. I didn't believe it. I searched the drug on line. It's an anti-anxiety drug. Ok, so I called mom. "Is ______ on any prescription medicine?" "No, she takes allergy stuff and some herbal vitamins, but all of that is over the counter." I thought, ahh, it's the herbals, they are causing her to throw a false positive. I called our drug screen expert, nope, it's not the herbals.

As I was talking to the drug screen expert they said, "You'll have those people that will shock you. Get used to it." I don't want to get used to it. I don't want to expect the kids to fail. What kind of example is that? If they know I am expecting them to fail, then they will do something to cause them to fail. As much as I don't like having my hope in someone dashed, I don't want to become numb to it. I firmly believe in this kid. She is in counseling, 2 different drug education classes, family counseling, etc. It's just disheartening.

Emotions Part II

I have discovered that I have gotten extremely well at hiding emotions from people, even my husband. I know this is not good. It seems that I can't have a normal calm life for more than a week at a time. While it does keep me on my toes, it also can wear me down. I don't know why, but all of these emotions came to a head this morning while I was checking my email and I'm sure I look like a mess right now, so I am grateful to be at work alone.

About a month ago, I found out that someone I thought I was close to, was keeping a very large secret from me. Someone else let it slip. When they let it slip, they blew it off like it was no big deal. The secret is life changing for not only the person that was keeping it from me, but for me as well as others in my life. Here is the part that got me. When the person found out that I knew, they asked me to keep it a secret from someone. How can they do that? Don't they understand how it affected me? That person doesn't deserve to be blindsided with such a change like I was. If I tell you the life changing "secret" it will be very easy for the person who isn't suppose to know to figure it out. It's great that these people trust me so well, but don't they see the situation that put me in? I just want to call this person and scream "TELL THEM! OR I WILL!" I know that isn't appropriate, but at least I wouldn't be the only one who knew.

Ayron keeps asking me how I feel about the whole thing and I keep saying, "Fine. It's that persons decision, not mine, so I'm going to have to live with it." I try to brush it off like it's no big deal, but on the inside I'm screaming "It's not fair!" I'm half tempted to tell the person out of spite, but I know that isn't right. If people keep choosing me to tell their secrets too, why can't they at least be happy secrets?


It seems that my emotions are in full gear. I was thinking about a past situation during my car ride to work and decided to blog about it. When I got to work, I read a disturbing email and my previous idea will wait.

I grew up with someone and while we were close in elementary school, we went our ways in middle and high school. We went to the same college (before I moved home) but never really crossed paths. I think we may have emailed a couple of times, but that was about it.

Recently we have gotten back into each other's lives. I love it. It's someone to "remember when" with. We are constantly asking each other questions because our upbringing and personalities are very similar.

Without going into details, he is going through a rough time with the love of his life. She is here in Indiana finishing up college while he is establishing himself in Everett Washington. I know that is must be hard, heck it's hard fo rme and we aren't together! They have hit a rough spot. As I was reading his email I began to bawl. I couldn't help it. I had to make myself stop typing and make copies so I could allow my eyes some time to clear.

I guess my question is how do I comfort him from so far away? I can't go over and say "hi." I can't drop a misery loves company candy basket by his apartment. I don't even know if the words I wrote will be of any comfort. I have not been in a situation like the one he is in. Well, sort of, but that was a dumb high school situation, not a real life one. He is a very devout Chrisitian and I am thinking of spending the day looking up verses in hopes they inspire hope and provide comfort. I have sat here and cried and prayed for him for the past ten minutes, but I would like to think that I can do more. I just wish I knew what to do to help him.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Am I Flexible?

I like to think that I am a pretty mellow person. I try to stay calm, but at times I lose it. This weekend I discovered that I have become very good at hiding my panic.

Friday afternoon turned into a testing situation for me. I knew that I had people coming to the house to cook hot dogs. I spent Thursday evening and Friday morning making sure the house looked somewhat presentable. Well, to make a long story short, the grill wouldn't work and I ended up boiling about 700 hot dogs. I was getting very frustrated. Not at the people, at the whole situation. I wasn't feeling well, and I know that is not an excuse, but it did not help the situation. It just seemed like chaos. Everything did come together, but I still just felt panicked all evening. I couldn't really relax and enjoy the company of the people I was with.

What has happened to cause me to lose my patience? Did I ever have any to begin with? Will it come back? I sure hope it does.