Tis a season of change for me. Both physically, mentally, and emotionally. The physical part is easy. Mentally and emotionally, those are the hard parts!
Physically, I chopped off my hair. It hasn't been this short in a while and I love it. It was so much easier to do this morning! I also agreed to start the mailbox run with Ayron. It is a practice that helps non runners (like myself) get into running. It doesn't sound like much to those of you who are physically active, but to me, it is a start! On day one you run to your neighbors mailbox and back. Day two you run to the house just past your neighbors and back. Day three you run three houses down and back, etc. I am sure I'll feel silly just running next door and back, but it is a start! I have also started parking in the back of the parking lot and walking. Once again, doesn't seem like much, but it is something. I have also started to really watch what I eat and do portion control. I also have cut out pop and this time, I have been doing well with it. I still have the occasional head ache and urge to reach for a pop, but so far I haven't caved. I drink about 4 liters of water a day. Keeps me running to the restroom every hour, on the hour, but I know my kidney's are working! I also walk most of my "office mail." My "office" (it's really and old style ranch house that is close to downtown Angola) isn't far from anyplace I need to send "inter-office" mail. I used to just put it in the mail bin and let someone else walk it where it needed to go, but now I just do it myself. It's faster, I get some fresh air, some sunshine (when it is available) and it's another way to keep me moving.
Self reflection is hard and painful. I am examining the way I conduct myself and how I view things and attempting to change them. I realize that I have slacked off in certain aspects of my life and that is not what I want to do. I know that the process of reflection can be hard and painful, but I also know that it brings about growth. I also know that I tend to bottle up emotions and then let them explode at the worst time and it gets directed at the wrong people. I thank God everyday for Ayron and his ability to put up with my flakiness. While I love my job, it also comes with enormous stress. If I could, I would take home all of these kids and raise them the way I think they should be raised. I can't and so I take home their emotional baggage. I shouldn't, but I do. I spend some nights just worrying for them. Do they have heat at home? Does she have enough money to feed and diaper her baby? Are they going to try to run away? My heart breaks for these kids and yet I know that their actions are what brought them to me. That realization can turn into anger and that is not what my kids (that is what I call them) need. They need someone to just listen to them. I had three students in court this week and I know that two of them are not happy. I only hope that 5 years down the line, they realize why I did what I did. I know they think that I was after them but they needed help that I cannot provide. It was nice to hear about the success of my other student who was in court and that thankful look given to me by him and his family made it all worth it. I have to keep looking at the positive. So far this school year we have worked with 28 students. 5 are still active (and doing great), 20 were successful, and 3 were not. That is an 89% success rate. I would like to have my rate up to 90% by the end of the school year. We have yet to hit our busy season (the weather gets nice, the kids get antsy, they break they law in the process) so it may be possible. This is by far our biggest (numbers wise) year yet. I am not trying to brag, but these stats are what make me realize why I do what I do and why I care so much.
I recently had a day where I just felt like I had the opposite of the King Midas touch. Everything I tried to do, I tried with the best intentions, but it only managed to explode in my face. I was having a rough day and a relative told me, " What helps me when I feel that way is to focus on things that cannot change. I am a Mother, I am a Daughter, and I know that I am a good Mom and good Daughter. I start seeing myself as my mom does, or as my children do, and I begin the small steps to dig out of that feeling."
(Raises an imaginary glass) So here is to making the changes we can and praying for guidance with the things we can't.
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