Not Sure

Right now I am not sure how I feel about anything. Part of me wants to just not care, but part of me knows that I can't do that. I think what I am trying to avoid feeling is a mix of frustration and misunderstanding. Not about anything in particular, but just life in general. If I can't pinpoint the source how am I supposed to fix it? I just keep wandering, "What am I supposed to learn from all of this?" I think I am supposed to learn to stand up for myself, and I took that first step this morning, but I know that it will be pushed aside and not taken seriously.

We have been dealing with the insurance mess since September and just finally got that all straightened out and the check will go into the bank this afternoon with the remodel starting on Monday. It is nice to know that the ball is finally rolling, and at a nice pace, on this project. It just took so long and I suddenly don't care any more. I don't want to make any more decisions, I don't want to call and complain to the insurance company anymore. I don't want to deal with the mess of boarding the dog and moving out for a week. I just don't care.

Work is another aspect that I am rapidly getting frustrated with. I feel like I am constantly getting dumped on, by everyone. Parents call and complain to me and get mad at me for their kid being expelled from school. HELLO?! They obviously did something to be expelled from school, don't get mad that I am offering you an alternative to juvenile detention. I feel like other individuals I have to associate with take me and my program for granted. No one asks me what I think or feel about situations, they just assume I will automatically do it. I feel like I am the only one watching my back and the only one looking out for the well being of my students. Someone has to care about them, why can't I?

I finally decided to express my concerns to the powers that be, but I have a feeling that they will just be brushed aside. How do I not let them get brushed aside without looking like a needy brat? How can I stand up for myself in a professional manner but not break down emotionally? I am not the type who can leave work at work. I often spend countless hours at night (when I should be sleeping) thinking of things I can say or do with the students to help them. I become emotionally attached to these kids. So many of them have parents that have written them off and the schools have tossed them aside, but all they need is a different teaching style, or someone to just care about them. They can sense when someone is being genuine and truly wants to see them succeed. So I carry all of their baggage along with mine and it makes me emotional. Heck, just sitting here typing this I am on the verge of tears. So how do I check those emotions at the door to make sure I don't get trampled?

Do I have to check those emotions at the door? If I show the emotions I am afraid I will be seen as weak, and that is not the image I want to portray. When men are assertive at work they are seen as strong and willing to take the lead. When women do it we are seen as bitches and bossy. Where is that fine line and how do I find it. I don't feel that what I am asking for is unreasonable. I know my worth and I think it is only fair to be given the respect that I feel I deserve and have earned. How do I make others see that? I constantly feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall and getting no where, so why don't I stop banging my head? What is it that makes me think I can actually bust down that wall? I know that there are several other paths around the wall, yet for some reason I can't stop hitting my head against it in an attempt to break it down.

I guess I'm just seeking advice, wisdom, personal experience, motivation, encouragement, whatever it is you have to give me.