Starting to Freak

So I am going to admit something.....I am starting to freak out about having another kid. I know, I know, kinda late huh?!

TJ was throwing a wonderful 2 year old tantrum (actually, his aren't that bad and have just recently begun in the last month) and I looked at Ayron and said, "What were we thinking wanting another one?" Potty training has been a nightmare and TJ's sudden attitude shifts from happy to demon possessed child make me wonder what we are in store for with Isabella (or Ella as I have taken to calling her). I know that each child is different, but I still can't help but wonder.

I am also starting to freak out about the actually birthing process, for like the third time this pregnancy. TJ's was such a traumatic birth that the thought of having to do that again makes me want to never get Ella out. At one point Ayron and I were discussing using a birthing center. We talked to our mid wife (she is associated with the center) and even talked to insurance provider, etc. Now I am leaning towards the hospital, for several reasons. At first I thought a short length of stay would be great (at the birthing center) because then we could get back to taking care of TJ, the dog, etc. My Aunt has agreed to come up and help with the 2 kids we already have (Scooter and TJ) while I recovering from having the 3rd. I know the cost factor has played a part in Ayron's mind. He doesn't want to start labor at the birthing center then have to go to the hospital for some reason and then have two bills. I am really leaning towards actually using pain meds during this birth. If I were to deliver at the birthing center, I would not have access to any pain meds. I have not made up my mind 100% on the use of pain meds, but I want that option there. I was talking to a friend (she is due a week after me with her second daughter) yesterday and we both decided we like how we get "pampered" at the hospital and I think I want that. Now I just have to tell our mid wife that I am wanting to deliver at the hospital. She is awesome and won't care, but for some reason I am nervous about telling her.

I also keep having this reoccurring dream that I have to have an emergency C-section. I really don't want to deal with the recovery from a C-Section! At our big 20 week ultrasound Ella was breech, but dang that child moves ALL THE TIME. Even if she does get herself head down, I doubt she'll stay there! I am hoping to have another ultrasound tomorrow to determine her position.

In some ways having 12 weeks left seems like such a long time, in other ways, 12 weeks is not nearly enough time! I want to meet her so badly, but I also feel like we need more time to get her room cleaned out, painted, furniture set up, etc. Heck, she only has 2 onsies and some booties right now! I need to go through TJ's old stuff and pull out the gender neutral clothes and start hunting for some pink and purple stuff!