Monday, December 17, 2007

Horrible Person or Horomones?

I have recently realized I am not immune to the pregnancy hormones. I have merely been suppressing them to keep everyone, mainly Ayron, happy. I have put up this "Everything is fine" front and I'm sick of it.

I have nothing to complain about. I am in semi-good health. Taylor is healthy. I shouldn't complain, but part of me years to let the truth out. I feel guilty because I know several people that are encountering pregnancy problems or are having troubles even conceiving. Yet, I push on with my confession.

I don't like being pregnant. I like knowing that I am supporting a life, I don't like the feelings that come along with it. Why do people do this multiple times? I have been putting on a fake face for Ayron most nights, but about two weeks ago I snapped. He came home to find me a mess. I finally just opened the flood gates and told him everything. How I had been feeling physically and emotionally. It caught him off guard. He has been so wonderful during this time and has been extra attentive the past two weeks now that the truth is out.

I just hate complaining about it to other people. Several people ask me how I'm feeling, etc. I've stopped saying, "Fine" and started telling the truth. Funny thing is, people don't want to hear the truth. They look at me like I'm some sort of horrible monster for saying that I do not care to carry another child. I am happy with one biological child. I want more children, but why should I have more (knowing how it makes me feel) when we can adopt a child that someone can no longer care for? I am big fan of adoption and we have talked about it and even have some orphanages picked out. When you tell people how you feel, the true story, they look at me and I know they are thinking, "What a horrible mom." I bed to differ.

How can you judge my mothering skills by how I feel now. My body has been through a lot in the past two years and now to add a pregnancy to the list. It needs a break. Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of being a mother and all of that stuff, but the physical aspect of being pregnant no longer appeals to me. If you love being pregnant, great, good for you. It's not for me.

There, I feel better. I'm just sick of people looking at me funny when I say, "This is the only child I will give birth to." Several people (and I am guessing my aunt is thinking this) have said, "They are all different pregnancies and you can't compare one to the other." or "Don't say that, you know you'll have more." Yes, I know that I want and will have more children, but for right now, I am saying I am done after this one. Sure, maybe I'll change my mind, who knows. I'm not God, I'm not perfect. Maybe I will get pregnant again, who knows. All I am asking is for someone, when I say that this has been rough and I am done after Taylor, to acknowledge that it is hard and that they felt the same way. I know I'm not the only one out there who has felt this way. It is all hormones? I really don't think so, but then again, I'm not God, I don't know for sure.

4 comments:

todd helmkamp said...

You're not a terrible person. Pregnancy isn't supposed to be fun. Childbirth as it is now is a result of Adam and Eve's sin in the Garden (check out Genesis 3:16).

Bethany doesn't want to have another child biologically, and I don't blame her a bit. I can't imagine what its like. If we do have more kids, it'll be through adoption. There's such a huge need!

Anyone who looks down on you for this should step back and take a look at their own attitudes and prejudices; I think you're doing the right thing.

Pepper said...

You think you've got it bad, try telling people you are not interested in having kids at all!

Anonymous said...

"I bed to differ." Ok, I HAVE to laugh at the typo, especially in the context of discussing pregnancy...

But seriously the reason for my comment: OMG... I want, like, 6 of these girls. I want to give them a safe, secure and loving home, and make sure they are never yelled at, hit, abandoned, or molested, ever again. To encourage them to keep rising above what they've already begun to conquer while in residential therapeutic treatment at St. John's Home. They are ADORABLE! They come with a varying spectrum of problems, but if you knew what some of them have endured--survived... OMG, some time I will show you who I'm talking about specifically and they will steal your heart away!

Michigan Adoption Resource Exchange

Anonymous said...

Like Todd said, I am done after this one. If Luke had already been my first child with Todd then I would have stopped after him, but I really wanted to share the connection of having a biological child with Todd. The first part of my pregnancies were rough cause I was sick and nauseous all the time. The middle two months were good, the last part is uncomfortable and annoying and I am just really ready to get it over with. So out of nine months I would say two of them I enjoy. Not worth it. I agree with you that pregnancy is not a wonderful experience. Don't feel like a horrible person. Cause if you are a horrible person, then so am I. :)