I have discovered that lately I am unable to fully relax. This has begun to take a toll on my health, which is the last thing I need right now.
As I starred at the alarm clock at 3am this morning, I wondered if I have ever been able to fully relax? Is this something I've just recently acquired? If so, how to do I get rid of it?
I really don't want television anymore. There are a few shows I enjoy, but even lately, I have been so busy or mentally preoccupied I can't myself to sit and enjoy a show. My mind is always going. I am always making mental lists, along with physical lists, of things that need to be done at home or work. I am constantly bringing work home with me. In the beginning I didn't mind because I was racking up comp time for maternity leave, but now it's getting to me. I like my job, I don't mind doing the work, but I am wondering if me bringing it home is preventing me from relaxing.
If I sit in front of the television and solely watch television, I find myself thinking, "I could be doing this, or that, etc." I am a multi-tasker. Call it learned ADHD if you will.
I keep using television as my example, but it's not just television. I can't even just sit and read a book for fun anymore. I tried last night and all I kept thinking was, "I could be giving Scooter a bath, running the dishwasher, grading, cleaning, etc." The other day I sat down to attempt to start organizing things for Taylor's scrapbook and I felt guilty. Why was I taking time for myself when I had no clue what I was going to cook for dinner? Even doing my daily prayer drawings are becoming difficult. If I find myself doodling/praying for something in my life, I feel guilty because "surely someone else has it worse off than I do, so why am I praying for myself?"
I thought that by turning my mental lists into physical ones I could help the situation, but I made it worse. I have now become anal retentive (that phrase cracks me up) about my lists. I will go through and prioritize the things on my list. Then I will redo the list with specific times and details. I can't just write it down and be done. Why?
Maybe it's just a pregnancy hormonal thing, I don't know. What I do know is that it would be nice to just go home and enjoy Ayron's company tonight, but I already have a list of things to do.
3 comments:
My wife is kinda like that; she always has been, but it seems like she's worse since she's been pregnant, so maybe it is the hormones. I don't have any other advice; I've never had a problem with sitting down and relaxing, even when there was a sinkful of dirty, week-old dishes! (of course, I don't do that now, but just because I'm married).
Yeah, I was thinking, "maybe she's nesting."
First thing is to banish the word/concept "Should" from your vocabulary. You will have to actively work to get that word and all the guilt you allow it to inflict on yourself. There is no should. There is only do or do not. (Star Wars, anyone?)
Also, if the drawing prayers are getting old or tedious or not fruitful for you, switch it up. Try something else. Pray while walking the dog. Pray for the people in every house you pass. Pray for people who do not have houses. But don't let yourself feel guilty for also praying for yourself, your family, your baby, etc.
It sounds so trite, but the concept of "be gentle with yourself" and "take gentle care" is truly a useful one. And it's a learned process. Expect nothing more than baby steps. Celebrate the victories, and don't dwell on the shortcomings.
Learn to just sit still and be. Breathe deeply. Hold it. Exhale fully. With the next breath, focus on completely relaxing the muscles in, say, your feet, and work upwards with each subsequent breath. This is a really good one for when you can't fall asleep, but it's also a good quick-relaxer too. Try to still the mind, find a focus word ("Help" is one of my favs) and try to release every thought, focusing solely on your chosen word. It is hard to do, but it will still you. You need that.
Along with that, you MUST allow yourself to take care of yourself. That definitely includes doing things exclusively for you. Something you enjoy. And not feeling guilty about it. Plan for it, if you have to, in your list-making. 30 minutes or an hour of "me time."
Otherwise, you know who you're going to turn into, right? As you probably already know, it's going to be doubly hard to keep yourself and your identity as Carma, an individual in her own right, once you have a kid. You'll forever be Taylor's mom. Don't let yourself disappear in that, tempting as it may be. So that way, when the ground shifts in unexpected ways--and it almost always does--you still know who you are and the value of your own being-ness.
As if I haven't blathered all over your comments enough, but I just came across this poem while seeking out an artist I like on MySpace, Carrie Newcomer. I thought it was quite relevant. Serendipity and the fact that there really are no coincidences, right!
a poem
This is a poem I wrote about taking time to notice and the writer's attempt to put into language all those things we experience and know that have no words.
Today I remembered
How often I forget
In the perpetual motion of work
Deadlines and disasters
All those important tasks
Of no real importance
I am remembering
My unbroken self
Which understands that silence can be considered an absence of sound
Or experienced as a fullness of spirit
I am remembering that all is vanity in the end
Except for the love that tumbles out of us
Or shines down upon us
in fleeting glowing moments
I am remembering my own wholeness
The perfect soul I was born with
Assessing my long endeavors to name the unnamable
To describe what I know
That there is an ache at the center of the human heart,
Longing is a natural state and a companion.
A walking inevitability
That we can try to escape,
But eventually
Can only lean into.
I have spent a lifetime trying to map the shape of shadow and light
Draw the clean edges of the ephemeral.
It has made me somewhat an oddity
It has asked me to live more closely
to the center of all that ache and awe.
I am remembering my promise
My willing decision to stand
In a shaft of January light
Fascinated by the shimmer of the dust
Suspended in a quiet room
And how the light travels across the floor
As a short day lengthens
Reaching out like hands
Covering the wood planks like spilled water
Carrie Newcomer Oct 2007
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