By continuing to read this blog you are acknowledging that you are a female. Guys, this is your last chance to leave. I'm warning you. Especially single guys. Really, I'm serious. Can't say I didn't warn you.
February 6, 2007
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core, orDri-Weave absorbency, I 'd probably never be able to go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I 'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can 't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing
there 's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I 'm guessing you haven 't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I 'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it 's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her husband's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey 's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness, actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you 're some kind of sick freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don 't march down to the local Wal-greens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of all that is good, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that 's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending crap. And that 's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best regards,
Wendi Aarons
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