I found out two weeks ago that my first "boyfriend" got married. For some reason, I struggled with that concept. My thinking requires some prefacing, so stick with me. Keep in mind that I LOVE AYRON and I am TOTALLY happy with him and he is who I was meant to be with and I never want that to change, but with that in mind, here we go.
I meet "him" my 8th grade year and I thought we were going to be friends. When I hit high school and saw him every day (he was a year older than I was), I was in heaven. I thought he was the one. He strung me along, off and on for 4 years. Back then, I didn't know any better and I desperately wanted him to like me. We had our brief fling, but he quickly moved on when I refused to do more (if you get my drift). I still see him around, mostly during the fair, but I haven't spoken to him in over 4 years. I'm pretty sure he has some issues, either emotional or mental. Looking back now, he caused me so much unneeded pain and suffering.
If he hurt me so bad, why did I feel the way I felt when I found out? It's not like I want him back, heck no! But it was odd to think that he actually married someone else. I was talking to a friend of mine about it and he said, "You always think your first boyfriend is yours. Even after you break up. Weather or not you realize it, you always hold a piece of them." I don't know if I agree or disagree.
If I had those 4 years to do over, I wouldn't torture myself. I do always have a piece of him with me though, the lessons he taught me about myself. I realized that I am strong and that I will not let anyone manipulate me like he did, so I guess in that regard, he is always with me. I am wonderfully in love with Ayron, which is why it was weird to have the reaction I had when I found out that "he" was getting married. Am I alone in my feelings? Has anyone else felt like this?
3 comments:
Nope! I still can feel that way about MY first boyfriend, esp. when, even some 20+ yrs later, at your father's funerl, HIS mom comes up to you and tells you you were still the best thing that happened to him....
Aunt L
Never had a boyfriend... but there is clearly a connection with any relationship, whether friend or romantic, that can never truly be severed (especially a in regards to romantic relationships.) I have former friends that I haven't talked to since I was in first grade that I still find myself thinking about. I wonder "Does Tyler still want to be a power ranger?" Not literally, but I really wonder what he is doing with his life, even if I don't care enough to search him out and discover. I remember my first serious, hard-core, "she was gold and my heart was Ft. Knox" crush. She turned out to entirely someone different than my 13 year old brain imagined her to be, but I still think about her. Even though I'm older and hopefully a little wiser, I can't help but have that life-long connection with her... and look at her life and think "What would have happened if she said yes..." Eh... it's the butterfly effect.
You're totally not alone in feeling this way...
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