Here's Charlie

It Stinks!

As I was driving into work, thru the thick fog, something hit me. No, I didn't have a revelation or profound thought. A nasty smell hit me, and I did not create the smell. The closer I got to work, the worse the stench got. When I got out of my car and started walking into my office, I realized that the entire town of Angola stinks today. It smells like one big giant flatulent with a hint of greasy McDonalds fries.

I don't expect anyone to really care, because I'm pretty sure no one else from Angola reads this, but my goodness does the town stink today.

The Ron Clark Story

Ayron and I have a netflix subscription and we try to alternate movies according to our tastes. I added "The Ron Clark Story" to our list. We watched the movie yesterday and Ayron got into more than I thought he would. It was a wonderful and inspiring movie, and not just for teachers. Just thought I'd plug it!

Switchfoot Day

I have a couple of cd's that I play while I'm at work. This morning, I started my rotation with Switchfoot's "Beautiful Letdown" cd, and for some reason these two songs won't get out of my head. I guess it's time to hit my knees and figure out why.

"On Fire"
They tell you where you need to go
They tell you when you'll need to leave
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be

But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words

And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be... (near You)

Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hateYou are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take
When I'm on fire
When You're near me I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire

Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries...I'm standing on the edge of me

I'm standing on the edge of everything
I've never been before
And i've been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge

And I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fireWhen You speak(Yea)
I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries... these mysteries... these mysteries
Ah you're the mystery
You're the mystery


"24"
Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures
Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs

At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

Twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong
See I'm not copping out not copping out not copping out
When You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now

And You're raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true

I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising the dead in me

I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a causeI'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You're raising the dead in meTwenty four voicesWith twenty four heartsWith all of my symphonies In twenty four parts.I'm not copping out. Not copping out. Not copping out.

Worry

I've always been a worrier. Maybe it comes from my need to have everyone happy or my need for everything to be perfect, either way, it can take its toll on me. A while back I had decided to try to worry less. I no longer wear a watch, which helps. But I still find myself worrying about little stupid stuff. What if I don't get the refreshments set up on time for my meeting tomorrow, that sort of thing. No one would notice if the food isn't ready to go by noon because half of the people don't show up till 12:15. So why do I worry about stupid things? What kind of things do you worry about?

Good for the community...

but bad for me. I no longer have any students in the after school program. While that is a good thing (it means the kids are staying out of trouble) it makes my program look bad because for the second time in less than one year we are temporarily closing the program. I still have my day program, and I have plenty to keep me busy, but it will be weird to not have the kids come in at 3:30 and spend 1/2 an hour chatting with them about their life.

Remembering Part II

This is a continuation of yesterday's blog. If you haven't read that, I'd read that first.

I talked to several friends about yesterdays blog and turns out, I'm not alone. Several people have felt the way I felt. While I was chatting with one friend in particular, I started to really think about why I felt the way I felt. It hit me, I never had the chance to voice my thoughts to "him." While I have no clue where he is at, and I don't ever care to see "him" again, I do have some things to say to "him." I was responded to a message that a friend sent me through VIRB (it's way better than myspace and a lot easier to use) and it hit me. I just need to write what I would say to "him" if I had the chance. So here goes nothing.

I don't know why you thought you could string me along for 4+ years and not hurt me. Do you not realize that your thoughtless actions effect others around you? You kept me hanging on to you for years, while in your mind I was merely a back up plan. You knew that I'd always be there for you when things fell through with who ever the heck you were chasing at the time. When you did give me the time of day and we "dated" I was ecstatic. I should have known better. I knew how you worked, yet I thought "this time will be different." I was wrong. I thought you realized who your true friends were when you left and I was the only one who wrote to you, and the only one who was still willing to hang out with you when you came back. I should have known better, I really should have, but I was caught up in the moment. That night you came over, I was in heaven, you were home and I thought you were mine. I thank God that K called that night. She didn't realize it till 5 years later, but she saved me from doing something I'd regret for the rest of my life. As much as I hated you, I realize now that I do need to thank you. I thank you for treating me like crap. May sound funny, but I thank you. You're crappy treatment made me appreciate Ayron all the more. I didn't know that guys could be nice without having a hidden agenda. You made me strong. When you left, I learned that I could stand on my own two feet. I learned how to have fun, and hang out with other friends. I learned how not to depend on a guy to make myself feel good. I learned to stand by my values and not let anyone compromise them. I also learned that Mrs. C's advice does work. "A nice knee jerk to the groin will help you get your point across." So thank you. You taught me a lot about myself. I will never let myself get into a situation like that again. I now know that I deserve to be appreciated and I have found someone who does that. So thank you. Without our crappy relationship behind me, I never would have accepted the date with Ayron and I wouldn't be where I am at right now. Just don't come crawling back to me when this relationship goes sour like your first marriage. I truly hope you are happy because I am.

Remembering

I found out two weeks ago that my first "boyfriend" got married. For some reason, I struggled with that concept. My thinking requires some prefacing, so stick with me. Keep in mind that I LOVE AYRON and I am TOTALLY happy with him and he is who I was meant to be with and I never want that to change, but with that in mind, here we go.

I meet "him" my 8th grade year and I thought we were going to be friends. When I hit high school and saw him every day (he was a year older than I was), I was in heaven. I thought he was the one. He strung me along, off and on for 4 years. Back then, I didn't know any better and I desperately wanted him to like me. We had our brief fling, but he quickly moved on when I refused to do more (if you get my drift). I still see him around, mostly during the fair, but I haven't spoken to him in over 4 years. I'm pretty sure he has some issues, either emotional or mental. Looking back now, he caused me so much unneeded pain and suffering.

If he hurt me so bad, why did I feel the way I felt when I found out? It's not like I want him back, heck no! But it was odd to think that he actually married someone else. I was talking to a friend of mine about it and he said, "You always think your first boyfriend is yours. Even after you break up. Weather or not you realize it, you always hold a piece of them." I don't know if I agree or disagree.

If I had those 4 years to do over, I wouldn't torture myself. I do always have a piece of him with me though, the lessons he taught me about myself. I realized that I am strong and that I will not let anyone manipulate me like he did, so I guess in that regard, he is always with me. I am wonderfully in love with Ayron, which is why it was weird to have the reaction I had when I found out that "he" was getting married. Am I alone in my feelings? Has anyone else felt like this?

Crazy Monday

Last week was Spring Break so I had a lazy week. I took two days off and then worked the rest of the time. I thought I had prepared myself for returning to work with students this week, but boy was I wrong. It's only 12:30, but the day has already been crazy!

One of my students was put on actual home detention over spring break, so he has a lovely anklet and box to carry around and I have daily forms to complete on him.

One student who we thought would leave (he turned 18) actually showed up.

One student managed to get himself locked up.

One teacher in the night program called in for tonight, so I had to cancel the night program.

My day trip for training was turned into an over nighter (cool by me, I don't have to pay for it).

I totally forgot I had a grant that is due this week and I just started it this morning.

I wish I could take a real vacation. Go to an island where no one can contact me (I can contact them, but only if I really want to) and just veg for a week.

Administrative Crap

I have been working on rearranging my evening staff for about two weeks now. I know that I will have an intern this summer and I wanted to add another teacher so that no one was over loaded working more than they really wanted. I have four interviews for 1 position. I talked to my boss this morning and we decided on a candidate, but I had the unfortunate task of calling the others. That was hard for me. They all were lovely people, and any one of them would be excellent here in our program, but the one we hired just stood out a little more. She sent a thank you note in the mail, the same day of her interview!

I'd much rather do the teaching than all of this administrative stuff. I do realize that it does give me excellent experience and that after working this job, teaching in a public school system again should be a breeze!

Last Saturday

Ayron and I attend New Hope in Waterloo on Saturday nights. Nathan blogged about something exciting happening at church. I was all excited and let's just say that my excitement was justified. We had a violinist. A violinist. It was awesome! It was a young man, I'm guessing around 16 or 17ish. A violinist is rare, but a young male violinist is even rarer. It truly was a moving worship service. I loved watching the drama unfold, and while I know the drama (my husbands in it) I was still moved by watching the performance. I truly felt the presence of God in the building. It was just what I needed. I found myself getting lost in worship, and being truthful, that hasn't happened for me in a long time. It's when I get lost in worship that I truly listen to what God has to say to me and I'm open to receive His words.

The sermon was just as wonderful. I have an "undo" button and it is so awesome to truly realize that. I had felt like a major screw up lately, but later that night I found myself using my "undo" button during prayer with Him. It is truly refreshing to get lost in worship and then use your "undo" button.

I'm getting chills right now just thinking about the worship. I may just have to order a cd. It was truly awesome and I hope the violinist plays again this weekend.

I Love Froggy!

The local radio station, Froggy 106.7, has started a new thing called "Froggy on the Hop Prize Drop." They give clues as to where they will be. If you find them, you get a prize. I knew that they were going to be in Kendallville on Wednesday, so I drug Leah with me to Kendallville to eat lunch with Ayron. We listened to the radio and figured out that Chris Cord was in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Leah and I were the first ones there. We pulled up next to the Froggy car and Chris asked us what prize we wanted. We both got 2 tickets to see STOMP when it comes to Ft. Wayne in May! YEAH!!!!! We immediately called Ayron, and he pulled in. He got some Arby's food and 4 passes to a Wizards game.

I'm more excited about the STOMP tickets. I've seen it, but it was many years ago. I can't wait to take Ayron, Leah, and who ever Leah brings to the show. I can't wait till May 15 at 8pm. YEAH FOR ME!!!

Internal Monologue

It's a good thing that we have an internal monologue that no one else can hear. If it were made audible, I would stick my foot in my mouth on a daily basis, more so than I already do.

I have experienced failure in something I have been striving for, only to discover that a friend of mine has experienced success. While I am genuinely excited for my friend, I can't help but be hurt. I've struggled and failed, they hardly put forth any effort and have succeeded. It's frustrating. I don't know if the battle to succeed is more exhausting or if it is the battle to not be mad at those who have succeeded. It's not their fault they succeed the first time and I'll have to try again. It's just frustrating.

I'm So Far Behind

So I went over to my other office early today. I had an interview at 2, so I got there at 1:45. The office assistant started messing around with my new work phone. When I came out of my interview, I had discovered that she had transferred songs from her phone to mine. When I asked her how, that's when I discovered the power of bluetooth. So, thanks to Brooke, I have some new ring tones. So, if you have any songs or ring tones you wanna share, let me know!

Church Photos

So Ayron and I had our appointment to have our picture taken for the church directory. Just by having our picture taken we get a free 8x10 and a free directory. We sat and looked at our proofs and then listened to the speal the lady had about the different packages and what not. We were curious, so we asked. Just to have 3 additional 5 x 7's retouched was going to be $100! I tried not to act shocked, and we graciously said "No thank you." Was my shock uncalled for? Am I a cheapskate?

Expanding Our Family Part II

@ Todd- No, I am not getting a tree sloth. Sorry.

@ Michael- No, it's not a reptile.

@ Natalee- No, it's not a cat. We can't have cats because Joellen is highly allergic to them.

Here are some more clues.

1.) He will only get to be about 5 lbs.
2.) He does have whiskers.
3.) He can't be shown because his ears are too far back on his head.

Nothing New

While I have nothing new to report, nor anything profound to write, I feel like writing. Maybe it's the English degree in me.

Work is just as stressful as ever, yet I'm not sure I'd like it any other way. It does make the day go by quickly.

I've been sticking to the "being healthier" goal fairly well. I had a pop today because I need it to unwind. Stupid reason, I know, but it did work. I am planning on going home and enjoying the wonderful sunshine by taking Scooter for a walk.

I've been fighting off the stomach flu for 4 days now. It is going through the program and the kids are constantly getting sick. My aide and I have joked around about adding on a vomitorium just for the sickos.

Spring break is drawing near and I'm just as antsy as the kids. I'm only taking Monday and Tuesday off, but I'm still looking forward to it.

Well, seeing as how I have nothing of real value to report, I guess I'll call it a day and head home.

Fun Weekend

It was a good weekend, despite my cold. I've been fighting this cold for a couple of days and thanks to some help from Zicam I thought I was ahead of it, but it seems to be kicking my butt again this morning.

I spent most of Saturday morning just being lazy and resting. Ayron had his first performance of the first third of his play at church. He did a great job and might I say that we have a cute daughter (he plays the father of a 10 year old girl)! Leah and Ayron's parents came with us to church and all three of them, plus one more, are coming back next Saturday! Yeah!! We were going to hang out with Ayron's parents after church, but they had us invite our group out to the house to watch the basketball tournament. It was cool! I don't think they'll ever admit it, but they like having a house full of chaos, and I'm sure Tom enjoyed having two little boys around.

I spent Sunday morning doing some light housework since my back had been hurting. We have a chiropractor appointment this Wednesday and I was trying not to push it, but I apparently did, because it is all I can do to sit up straight this morning. We took Scooter out to Phil and Nikki's in the afternoon for some puppy socializing. Brutus, their 100lb. St. Bernard loved playing with Scooter and getting all muddy. While they were playing, I did something I never thought I do. I went mudding. It was hilarious!!! Phil and Nikki just got two new 4 wheelers and the big one can go up to 85 mph. The back lot was muddy, and I knew what I was getting into, but I didn't think I'd get as muddy as I did! It was hilarious. We took turns doing rooster tails and coating each other in mud. The girls had fun racing Ayron and myself around the yard and over the hill. It was fun to do something as a family, and to watch JoEllen do her famous gasp and I gunned it and jumped the hill with McKenna on the back. Needless to say, it was a lot of messy fun!!

I also met Charlie Sunday night. Read the previous post and take a guess at who Charlie is.

Our Expanding Family (?)

I know what you're thinking, "She's pregnant!" Nope! Ayron and I will be expanding our family in about three weeks. His name is Charlie and he is very cute! I don't have a picture of him yet and I'm not going to tell you what he is. I think it would be funny to see what people guess. I will give you three clues.

1.) He has a brown mustache.
2.) His name actually describes his coloring.
3.) He is a "fader"

Former Church

Ayron and Michael have started a Bible study. We've decided to meet at the DCYC in Auburn. It is a central location and it's free. The DCYC is also where our former church meets. They met in a small room at the end of the hallway. Ayron and I got there plenty early and I was curious. So I spent some time just sitting in the room that I used to attend church in. I should correct myself. I was laying on the couch. Yes couch. They use a kitchen table, chairs, huge ottoman, and several couches for seating. If it works for them, great, but it doesn't work for me. I just laid there, starring at the ceiling. I finally realized that I was waiting. Waiting for God. I had been in a funk, and didn't even really want to go to Bible study. So I made myself lay there and reflect on the day. I literally muttered, "Ok God, I'm here and listening, talk." I laid in there for about 15 minutes (I had to get up to make it back to the room in time for Bible study). Funny thing is, He didn't talk. I didn't here a booming voice, I didn't see an angel fly through the room, I didn't have a warm feeling come over me. I grew angry, I thought, "I made the effort to be still and quiet and He didn't show." This morning I was reflecting on my thoughts from last night (and I still am as I write) and I became angry, not with Him, but with myself. God made his point last night. He didn't have to send an angel or make a noise. He made his point with silence. I fill my day with noise. Students, music, foot tapping, etc. God lead me to that room last night. He placed the urge in my heart for silence, for a brief amount of time to just be still, and wait. I'm not good at waiting, we all know that. But I waited last night. So while I didn't "hear" God, I did. His point came across loud and clear. Maybe I'm not making sense to anyone, but in my mind, I am. I realized that I've been filling my silent and still time (that I should be spending with God) with noise and action. I was laying on a couch being distant and God spoke to me without speaking at all.