Finding Balance

I love my job, I truly do. It does have its drawbacks. It is very hard to be in the Criminal Justice field for any length of time and not become jaded.

This morning I arranged to have a student removed from my program (effective 3:30pm today) and taken to court for a placement. While I can't legally go into details, lets just say this isn't a shocker to anyone.

Part of me was relieved when her caseworker finally saw all that I did and agreed with me that we couldn't provide the services needed. I caught myself thinking, "Good, now I don't have to mess with her anymore." I instantly felt guilty.

99.9% of the students I work with just need someone who cares about them and who is willing to vocalize their concern. This is a double edges sword. Sometimes your care and concern blocks you from seeing your inabilities to truly help them.

Knowing that someone will be placed is heartbreaking and stomach wrenching. I know that I will be in court for the decision and I know how the family will react and I know that I will feel guilty. Did we really try everything? Will the family blame me for the judges decision?

After the decision was made this morning I literally became sick to my stomach. I wish I could help this student, but there are so many issues I am not qualified to address.

So how do I find the balance needed to stay in this job? How can I stay "jaded" enough to know when it is beyond my control, yet care enough to show these students that someone does care? The problem comes when the caring becomes so much that placement (even when you know it is the right thing) makes you physically ill. I cannot be ill all the time, but the fact is I do place students and it does hurt, emotionally and mentally.