Weak??

Have I become weak? These days away from Ayron has caused me to wonder. I always thought I was fairly independent, not as independent as my sister, but able to survive on my own. While I have managed to survive the past couple of days, it was a struggle at some points. I hated coming home to an empty house that I knew was going to stay empty. Sure, Scooter was there, but it's not like he can carry on an intelligent conversation with me. By getting married, did I lose my ability to be independent? What would happen if I had to be on my own (God forbid)? I think I would lose my mind. I'd have to find a roommate. I don't know how people live alone, especially after living with someone. Maybe if you've always lived alone it's different. I guess what made it really hard was knowing that everyone else I know, had things to do. I did have a couple of friends that called and checked up on me, but then I felt like a baby. I thought, " I wonder what they think of me." I was talking to a friend on line yesterday and he said his mom felt the same way when her husband went on a trip for 10 days. That was ten days, Ayron will have only been gone 4 days. When he called me last night and told me that they might be staying till Thursday morning, I lost it! He and the Auburn manager are coming home because if they stayed the extra time, the cost of staying longer and switching flights would come out of their pocket. So I am happy that he is coming home tonight, but I don't want him to think that he had to cut his vacation short because of me. Have I become a needy wife? Are my feelings and emotions common? Maybe this time apart has been beneficial for both of us.

I know that I had been taking Ayron for granted, and this past month has proved that to me. Everything could change in an instant (Nikki) and our roles would change. We talked about "what if that had happened to us." It scared me to realize that God could take him away from me before I'm ready. It happened to his mom. She was married to Lyle, had Phil and thought she was set for the rest of her life. Lyle was killed in a car crash by a drunk carnie, and WHAM her world changed. She was left to care for a 4 year old by herself. Could I do that? If I had to, I think I could? She was lucky enough to find Tom, and the married and then had Ayron. I don't know if I'd want to remarry after something like that. I think Ayron is the only guy in this world willing to put up with me. It sounds morbid, but I told him that I get to go (die) first. I don't think I could handle being left for good.

Well now that I've babbled myself into silliness, I should get some grading done and decide if I really need the Palm Pilot I looked at yesterday or if it was just the thrilling thought of owning a new piece of technology. What do you think?