Yesterday Part II

I have so much going through my head that I don't know where to start.

I know that addressing someone through a blog is a cowardly way to doing things, but I think what was said is an issue that should be addressed by all. I had told a friend about yesterday and their comment revolved around how they thought suicide is selfish. That comment stung me. It still bugs me, and while I can't put my finger on exactly why, I have an idea. Yes, suicide can be viewed as selfish. I think in most cases, the focus needs to be on the person, not on the act. Every person goes through so much in their life, and some people can't or don't learn the proper ways to cope. They see suicide as the only way out. Sometimes drugs are involved. Drugs can alter a persons thinking process. The person may have the most sound judgement but the instant drugs hit their system, they become a different person and do things they never would do if they were in their right mind. I think that the focus needs to be on the person and the people left by that person. We should not focus on the details of the death, but on the family and friends left behind to cope.

A local counselor that works with my program (usually doing drug education) came last night and met with me, two of my staff, and the two girls to discuss the emotions everyone was feeling. It was a great session. It was hard and emotionally trying on all of us. All of us cried at one point. Adam even put on her favorite shirt not realizing what he would learn as the day went on. What killed me was seeing a girl that we know break down and fall on the floor. We know she doesn't have a strong family and she was going to go home and have no one to talk to about this whole thing. I hope she spends some time today talking to her teacher. The counselor is coming back again tonight (she usually does her program on Tuesdays) and they are going to draw, write, create, their favorite things about the student who has passed. Adam left a note he wrote to her last night on my desk this morning. I will contribute my prayer drawing I did yesterday, and each of the girls said they would work on something last night.

I called another "co-worker" this morning to discuss some things that were said last night and when I hung up, I was mad. It seems like everyone is numb to this whole thing. Not numb like they have pushed their emotions away, but numb like this is an everyday thing and they are sick of dealing with it. It upset me. How can we be like that? Where has the compassion and concern gone? Does no one really care what this girl was dealing with? All of the files are already closed and it is like she never existed. Why aren't "we" looking at this and thinking of ways to prevent this from happening again? I hope I never get so used to my job or get so set in my emotions that something like this doesn't jar me. I think that's how you know you've been doing something far to long. Sure, the shock of dirty drug screens is slowly lessening, but every time, I am still upset. I still feel hurt every time someone does a new crime or lies to my face about something. These people have dealt with this crowd for so long they expect it. That just gets me. They act like since they left the office door yesterday at five that it was done. I took it home with me. I talked to my mother in law about it. I prayed about the whole thing. I am still so upset about it all. Maybe it's because I know more than I should and more than I can legally share.

Well, I should get back to work. Yesterday put me a day behind schedule so I need to bust my butt this morning to get everything done before my two big meetings tomorrow.