Monday, November 21, 2005

Do We Ever Really Change?

I am in some what of a philosphical mood. I was cleaning out our living room (it was filled with boxes) because we are having our house appraised next week and I spent time reminicing. I put in cds from 1 year(Joss Stone), 3 years(Christina Aguleria) and 5 years ago (Monica) and began cleaning. I ended up doing more thinking than cleaning. I was partially hidding from my three hyperactive nieces. I began to wonder if we ever really change. Sure, we grow older and our tastes change (especially in music) but do we ever actually completly change? I have always been an introvet who pretends to be an extrovert. If I were able to choose, I would pick a night in alone with a cd player over a party any day. While I find myself being more sociable I also find myself enjoying my stolen moments alone more than I used to. Maybe I enjoy the stolen moments of silence more because I live in an active and constantly people filled house. I find myself trying to change yet the old ways are so comfortable and so easy to fall back into. How do we go about making a complete change? How do we actually discover who we "are?" Are we faking it all along? Sometimes I feel like I am just a good actress instead of someone who truly knows what she wants. Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I am just having moments of self doubt since I am so close to graduation. Can I really make it? What if I get into a classroom of my own and I find that I really don't like it? Then what? Have I wasted 5 years of my life preparing for a career I hate? Why am I being so philisphical? Have I suddenly turned into Carrie Bradshaw (Sex in the City)? How do I go about changing into the person I think I want to be when everything else around me is still the same? How do I expand my horizon's in a town where everyone is no narrow minded? How do I "grow up" when all I want to do is go back to a time when everything made sense?

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