Evaluation

My morning has been interesting. I thought I was taking the "new" (it's new to me) work truck back to the dealership just to pick up an extra key and a couple of quotes. Nope. A little over two hours later I walked out of there. Something about fixing lights. I didn't really mind. I was just going to spend today contacting the high school (did that via cell phone) and planning after school activities well in advanced. I did get to see T at work and watch several episodes of The Beverly Hillbillies. Hard for me to believe that show was popular, maybe it's just me. I even had my work evaluation in the "customer lounge."

My boss called and asked where I was at. When I told him, he laughed. He told me he would meet me there and we'd do my evaluation. I panicked. I didn't know I had an evaluation. I immediately started thinking of everything I have done in the past year. Would he view me as successful? I silently laughed when I read his eval. I scored a 95% on the whole part. I was happy. All of his comments were nice and it seems he realizes that I need verbal recognition every once and awhile. He is now meeting with the judges concerning our (my whole offices) evaluations. Yikes! Hopefully the judges agree with him.

Motivated

I came into work this morning all motivated and ready to go only to discover that my county email is down and the server I use to do my case management is down as well. So I pouted slightly, but decided to take Herbie out for some food. Herbie is my new work truck and he needed gas. So that wasted all of five minutes. I called and checked on Herbie's title. No luck there yet. I did manage to clean off my desk and find a stapler. I finished planning the after school activities for November and started December as well. I have run out of things to do. Everything that I really need to do, I can't. I called our county tech person and she has no clue what is going on. She said, "I'll call you right back." That was an hour ago. I even managed to compile any activity/lesson plan I have ever created for the after school program and alphabetize them. I even made a table of contents for the binder.

I guess I could go finish unpacking all of my new computers, but then I wouldn't be able to chat with my friends. Hehehe.

How Do You Know?

Things happen to everyone every day. Our gas gets turned off. We woke up late. We decided not to go to work. Later on we are grateful these things happened. Not having gas allowed you to find that leak and fix it to prevent your house from visiting Mars. Since you overslept you were able to avoid being in the pile up on the highway. Since you decided to play hookie, you weren't in the building when it was bombed. Etc. So when we look back on these events, how do we know if it was Him intervening or a coincidence?

A friend of mine asked me a similar question yesterday in an email. His situation isn't as extreme as those I created, but still. How do we know if it is God trying to nudge us or if it is merely a coincidence? I don't know how much faith I put into coincidences. I do know how much faith I put in Him. I think He provides us with learning opportunities or moments of reflection to realize how important He is in our lives. We often put Him on the back burner and then take credit for everything good that happens to us and find a way to blame anyone else when bad stuff happens.

So what do you think? How do we know when it is Him or a coincidence?

Calm

I have developed a sense of calm this weekend. Even with all of the events of last week and the two more that were dumped on us this weekend, I have an inner peace. I found myself praying over the weekend for everyone other than myself. It was wonderful for my soul. To realize that I am not the only one with problems is humbling. Here I am pouting when others don't have a roof over the head, family that cares, and friends that will drop everything and go for a walk (thanks Kianne).

I do find myself fighting the calm. I'm not used to being at peace like this. It is new to me. I find myself trying to dwell on the past. Then a gentle voice reminds me how destructive and unproductive that can be. Hopefully my long list of things to do for this week will keep me occupied.

Happy Ending for the Week

So this week has been hell. Sorry is my language offends you, but I really can't think of any other way to convey it. When I pulled into the parking lot today I got frustrated. Next to my office (really a house) there is a county employee parking lot. There are three spots right next to the house that are supposed to be for my program only. The sheriffs department has already stolen one spot for their trailer that gets used like once a year (nope, not bitter at all). No point in arguing with them, so I was content with two spaces. Then when I pull in today there is a big truck in one spot. Frustrated I walked over to my bosses office and asked, "Who parked the huge truck in my spot?"

To which my boss asked, "Do you like the truck?"

"Does it matter if I like the truck? It is parked odd and is taking up two spaces."

My boss laughed, "So move it."

"Yeah, sure, I'll just hot wire the beast and move it."

"No need, here's the key."

Turns out I got a truck while I was gone and didn't know it! Yeah for me! We have been looking for a used 4 door truck to be used by my program during the week and juvenile work crew on the weekends. This way the garbage can be thrown into the bed of the truck. Best of all, it is a chick truck. Let me explain what a chick truck is. A friend of mine calls dually trucks where the wheel well sticks out on each side a chick truck because it has hips. My truck sure does have hips. While it is a chick truck, I have decided to name it Herbie. Herbie is a lovely shade of green and sparkles nicely thanks to the inmates who gave him a bath this morning. There is one problem with Herbie, he has an ugly tattoo. His tattoo reads "Harold Chevrolet." (I threw that in there for my friend Todd who works for Harold). I am afraid that they are going to take my lovely Herbie and give him another tattoo on each front door. Hopefully we can just get some large magnets to put on the side when I let work crew borrow him.

It's been a long day already and Ayron is at home sick. Don't worry, party is still on for Sunday. I should get out of here and go check on him.

I don't believe it.

This week has been a difficult one for several reasons. Ayron and I are both having a tough time. I was gone all week for training and he was busting his butt at work. To sum it up it has been a week where everything has gone wrong. It's been trying physically and emotionally. I had a huge melt down Wednesday night. It was scary. I've never been like that. I am grateful that I recognized it in myself and called a friend. Mom stopped by and that was nice too. Anyways, I'm getting off track. I've talked to so many people this week about a ton of stuff so I'm not sure who said this to me, but someone said, "Remember, God never gives you more than you can handle."

I think this statement is misleading. Here is why. I feel he does. He gives us more than we can handle ON OUR OWN. That is the kicker. I believe that when we lose our focus on Him and try to do everything ourself He steps in and reminds us that He is still there and we can call on Him. I am stubborn, so it often takes a huge messy week like this week to remind me that I am not in this alone and that I need to ask Him for help, for my own sanity as well as those around me.

Today is also the funeral for my student. For those of you that don't know, last Monday (10/15) I had a student (who was also on home detention) commit suicide. All of us at the office have spent this past two weeks in a daze. We all felt like we worked through it and then we realized that we have the funeral today. All of those emotions are going to come back. All of us carry feelings of guilt. We all feel like if we looked harder we would have seen some warning signs. I keep reminding myself that she had talked with her family about death several times. She had cried wolf so many times to them that they "ignored" it. She never mentioned anything to me or while in my program about it. I do wish I would have recognized something in her. She was good at compartmentalizing her life. We only saw the happy goth chick who was more than willing to help. Today will be tough.

"Dear God, help me to realize that I can't do this on my own. I need Your help to get me back on track. Help me to realize when I am in over my head. Humble me. Allow me to allow You to work in my life. Give me the strength to get through today. "

Pray for Anara

Through a friend I have become a daily reader of Hublog. Please pray for Anara and her family. She was adopted and has several medical problems. Right now the doctors are working on making her external bladder internal as well as repairing her fused hips. Pray for their knowledge and skill as well. The family will also need patience today and for several weeks to come. Anara will be in the hospital for several weeks before going home to fully recovery. I highly recommend this blog. The things Vi says are hysterical!

http://nhubartt.blogspot.com/

Drum Roll Please....

Taylor is a BOY! We found yesterday afternoon. Our nurse mid-wife did the ultrasound and she said, "I'm 95% sure and I'm usually 98% correct. I won't say 100% because as soon as I do, I'll be wrong!" Every time we go we have unofficial ultrasounds so we can see growth, heart beat, waving fingers, sucking thumbs, etc. I have my "official" ultra sound November 14th with Mary. Mary checks to make sure fingers and toes are all there and move and she counts the vertebra. She also checks for other things. I am not looking forward to the 32oz. of water I have to drink an hour before that one, but if that's what it takes, then I'm gonna do it.

Here are some pictures from last night.

He has his hand on his tummy with his thumb sticking up. He was getting ready to suck his thumb.

His thumb getting closer to his face. This kid likes to suck his thumb. We'll have to break him of that early. We can't afford braces!

Ayron saw this shot on the screen and went, "I see it, there's a penis. Right, that's a penis. There it is!"

Another boy part shot. It is a big hard to see my edits, but it was an odd angle for the picture too. The boy part is circled. I labeled the elblow, belly, butt, and manhood.

The Body

The human body is a miraculous thing. I have spent some time lately thinking about it and all that it entails. I can't imagine God's thought process when he was creating us. Everything works together and it amazes me. We are able to create and support life. Our bodies change to accommodate that life. Our bodies even allow us to feel that life within us. I don't mean to focus on pregnancy, but it is on my mind. Today at 3 we go for another check up and hopefully Taylor will cooperate and I'll soon know which pronoun to use. But more than pregnancy, the body is astounding in so many ways.

For those of you who don't know, last December my sister-in-law was T-boned by a semi going close to 50mph. She had a 10 percent chance of living and a 1% chance of not being paralyzed. After a month in the hospital and several months of rehab. She is back to her old self. Well, not exactly her old self. Her speech is still a little off, but it get's better every week. She is skinnier than ever!! Her eye sight is better than before the accident. I have spent some time talking to her lately about the whole thing. She was in a coma for around 8 days. I knew she didn't/won't remember that. During the last two weeks in the hospital she became very coherent, although defiant (she ripped out her feeding tube and broke her neck brace out of anger). We thought she would remember those times. She doesn't. She is constantly amazed to hear how she threatened her roommate during week two. Her roommate had just had a stroke and would make moaning noises. Nikki, very calmly, moved the curtain and asked "Can I help you?" When the woman moaned Nikki replied, "Well then shut up will ya?!" She doesn't remember Christmas at the hospital either. She barely remembers having her husbands birthday in the hospital or watching the movie "Cars" three times a day. It just astounds me what the mind can and will not remember. It protects us. It controls so much of our movements. It's astounding.

I don't know how people can think about topics like this and not believe in a higher power. Even as I sit and look out my office window, I am amazed. Someone cared enough for me to create all of this. Not only create it, but sent His son to die for me so that I could enjoy it. How can people not believe?

Yesterday Part II

I have so much going through my head that I don't know where to start.

I know that addressing someone through a blog is a cowardly way to doing things, but I think what was said is an issue that should be addressed by all. I had told a friend about yesterday and their comment revolved around how they thought suicide is selfish. That comment stung me. It still bugs me, and while I can't put my finger on exactly why, I have an idea. Yes, suicide can be viewed as selfish. I think in most cases, the focus needs to be on the person, not on the act. Every person goes through so much in their life, and some people can't or don't learn the proper ways to cope. They see suicide as the only way out. Sometimes drugs are involved. Drugs can alter a persons thinking process. The person may have the most sound judgement but the instant drugs hit their system, they become a different person and do things they never would do if they were in their right mind. I think that the focus needs to be on the person and the people left by that person. We should not focus on the details of the death, but on the family and friends left behind to cope.

A local counselor that works with my program (usually doing drug education) came last night and met with me, two of my staff, and the two girls to discuss the emotions everyone was feeling. It was a great session. It was hard and emotionally trying on all of us. All of us cried at one point. Adam even put on her favorite shirt not realizing what he would learn as the day went on. What killed me was seeing a girl that we know break down and fall on the floor. We know she doesn't have a strong family and she was going to go home and have no one to talk to about this whole thing. I hope she spends some time today talking to her teacher. The counselor is coming back again tonight (she usually does her program on Tuesdays) and they are going to draw, write, create, their favorite things about the student who has passed. Adam left a note he wrote to her last night on my desk this morning. I will contribute my prayer drawing I did yesterday, and each of the girls said they would work on something last night.

I called another "co-worker" this morning to discuss some things that were said last night and when I hung up, I was mad. It seems like everyone is numb to this whole thing. Not numb like they have pushed their emotions away, but numb like this is an everyday thing and they are sick of dealing with it. It upset me. How can we be like that? Where has the compassion and concern gone? Does no one really care what this girl was dealing with? All of the files are already closed and it is like she never existed. Why aren't "we" looking at this and thinking of ways to prevent this from happening again? I hope I never get so used to my job or get so set in my emotions that something like this doesn't jar me. I think that's how you know you've been doing something far to long. Sure, the shock of dirty drug screens is slowly lessening, but every time, I am still upset. I still feel hurt every time someone does a new crime or lies to my face about something. These people have dealt with this crowd for so long they expect it. That just gets me. They act like since they left the office door yesterday at five that it was done. I took it home with me. I talked to my mother in law about it. I prayed about the whole thing. I am still so upset about it all. Maybe it's because I know more than I should and more than I can legally share.

Well, I should get back to work. Yesterday put me a day behind schedule so I need to bust my butt this morning to get everything done before my two big meetings tomorrow.

Monday Morning From .....

you know where. I didn't hear my phone this morning. I really wish I would have. Why didn't I hear my phone? My boss called me at 8 to see if I could be secretary at our office (let me explain I have two offices: one is at the YIP house and the other is in Community Corrections). I didn't get the message until close to 9. I sprinted over to the office because my boss sounded upset. When I got there, our secretary was the only on there and she looked like death warmed over. I told her that I got my boss's message and I was here. She just looked at me and said, "You don't know do you?" That can never be a good thing.

At 3am this morning, one of my after school students who was also on home detention committed suicide. No one saw any signs. This person meets with several counselors, therapists, and professionals a day, and no one saw it. My secretary is beside herself because her house backs up against the students and she didn't hear a thing last night. No lights, no sirens, nothing. What we are trying to figure out now is why and how did the student get a gun. When someone is put on home detention the house is checked and any type of "weapon" is removed. So now the questions remain and answers seem far away.

Pray for this family. They already had a ton of problems and now this. Apparently it is already in the paper. One of my staff just called me and she is a wreck. I don't know how to face the kids tonight. I have already put a call into the Counseling Center that we use for drug counseling and I know probation did the same. It's going to be a long rough day. Pray, that's all any of us can do.

************************************************************

"The Last Night"

You come to me with scars on your wrist

You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this

I just came to say goodbye

I didn't want you to see me cry,

I'm fine

But I know it's a lie.

[Chorus:]This is the last night you'll spend alone

Look me in the eyes so I know you know

I'm everywhere you want me to be.

The last night you'll spend alone,

I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go,

I'm everything you need me to be.

Your parents say everything is your fault

But they don't know you like I know you they don't know you at all

I'm so sick of when they say

It's just a phase, you'll be o.k. you're fine

But I know it's a lie.

[Chorus]

The last night away from me

[Bridge:]The night is so long when everything's wrong

If you give me your hand I will help you hold on

Tonight,Tonight.

[Chorus]

I won't let you say goodbye,

I'll be your reason why.

The last night away from me,

Away from me.

TGIF

I remember when TGIF stood for "Full House" and "Family Matters." Oh how I miss those days. I was a pain if I missed "Full House."

I'm grateful this week is over. It has been crazy at work since everyone had Monday off. Screwed up our court schedule, and from there, it all went downhill. I did volunteer to help by offering to be placed on Home Detention. Our office is currently exploring other GPS units. My boss is currently wearing two anklets. One is our old system, and the other one is a newer version. He is not impressed. I know he has been throwing a fit about wearing them (secretly I think he likes it) so this morning I offered to test a third unit that we are hearing about today. I figured, sure, I'll wear it all weekend, no one will ever know and I can help my boss out. Oh what I didn't know. Apparently this new unit (the salesperson is an hour late, so far we are not impressed) has a built in extra feature. It detects when someone drinks. I'm guessing it is similar to the one that Lyndsy Lohan sported as a fashion accessory a while back. Needless to say, my boss plans on truly testing it this weekend. I offered to take him out to lunch for an early bosses day. I figured a few margaritas at Las Limas. He thought about it, but then he would run into the problem of "drinking at work." I told him that if he gets picked up this weekend for drinking the excuse, "I'm working. Seriously, I'm testing a new anklet." Probably wouldn't fly with the cops.

Well, I have two more computers to hook up (I was able to buy 5 new desktops for my program) and them I'm out of here!!

Hillside Hot Cocoa

So I decided to stop at Wal-Mart on my way to work to get an apple, doughnut, and chocolate milk. As I was walking back to the milk case I saw a display that caught my eye. I was curious so I spent the $2 to buy one.

This container is self-heating. They are intended for camping. I bought it because it was so flipping cold out. I intended to drink it during my meeting this morning, but our new heating/cooling system in my other office is having issues and decided to keep the office at a balmy 82 degrees. It was roasting. Anyways, back to this new product. Here are the instructions off the "can."

1.) Turn container upside down. Pull off metal tamper-proof bottom.

2.) Place on a flat surface. With thumb, firmly push button downwards until green water drains (I read this and freaking, green freaking water in my hot cocoa? I'll explain later). After 10 seconds, turn container right side up.

3.) This spot changes color from pink to white (5-8 minutes) when beverage is hot. After spot is white, twist lid to align opening. Shake, open enjoy!

The green water had me freaked out, until I read the other side of the can, then my simple and tired mind got it. This is how the website explains it.

"Revolutionary hot stuff! Individual container actually HEATS itself. Pressing the bottom breaks a foil seal and allows water to enter the internal heating chamber containing quicklime. The mixture generates heat but does not touch the beverage. Great for outdoor sports, hunting, camping, etc. Each Drink is 2 3/4 x 6"h., weighs 19 ozs. Contains 10 fl. ozs. "

I am currently full from lunch but I can't wait to try this stuff and see if it gets hot and how hot it does get.
************************

1:16 - I just did steps 1 and 2. I am currently focused on the pink dot, wondering when it will turn white.

1:17 - I just touched the container and everything is still cold. Hmmm.

1:19 - Another touch test. Getting warm. Pink dot is not fading, not a bit.

1:21 - the dot is white, now on to step 3.

1:22 - shaking is done, proceeding to opening.

1:23 - WOW! It really worked! I don't think I'd spend $2 a day for one, but it was a fun experiment. They have other flavors too. Mine is hot cocoa with marshmallows!!

Beautiful

I could...

eat smarties until I explode. I think I just might.

Feeling Deflaited

Blech. It's one of those days. It's beautiful out, yet I feel like crud. I don't know if I am fighting off a cold or if it's all a part of this whole pregnancy thing. We went to the chiropractor last night. That felt wonderful! I didn't realize how out of alignment I was.

I came into work today to discover I had two positive drug screens to report. Blech. That will ruin your day right there. So I spent an hour doing those reports. It's frustrating. These kids don't get it. You can't cheat the drug screen. They pay people to try to come up ways to cheat it, then change the test. I don't know why they act so surprised when I tell them that they came back positive. If I have to say, "Don't tell me you didn't smoke any pot because the test shows that you did, and quite a lot too." one more time....Geez kids. Oh, my favorite excuse, "Well, I was in a car with someone who was smoking it."

Comeback # 1: That was not a wise decision on your part. If the car would have gotten pulled over everyone would have been in trouble."

Comeback #2: Hmm. That's interesting because your levels were so high that you must have been sucking on the same joint."

Comeback #3: I'm hoping you have a better excuse because that one will not fly with the judge.

I know, I'm cynical. Maybe I've done this for too long. I want be believe that they are good kids who mess up, but after repeated mess ups, I lose hope. The school has already given up on them, so has probation, so I feel really bad losing hope too.

Shopping at Dad's

Ayron and I went up to visit my dad yesterday. My dad is slowly getting ready to move to Beaufort, South Carolina. We went to look through some of the old family stuff and take what we wanted. Like dad said, "You're either gonna get it now or when I die. At least if you take it now I don't have to move it across the country." I really only wanted two things. (Natalee, if you want something, please let me know! Dad didn't know if you could have anything, etc).

I managed to find my grandmothers two shadow boxes and the items she kept in them. They are going to go in my office at home. We also brought home some crystal and china. My grandmother collected the stuff like it was going out of style. We now have her monogrammed crystal, which includes shrimp cups. Those are cool! We brought home the milk glass china. I don't any place to put this stuff yet, but I want it to stay in the family. Eventually we might bring home the big bell and put it on a post in our yard. My dad loves that bell and that is one thing I want to make sure stays in the family. Another cool find we brought home is a wooden tea set that is hand painted. My grandfather brought it back for his mother when he was in the war. It is gorgeous and so light. It's amazing to look at it and think that it is wood.

I do want to get the things appraised. I WILL NOT SELL THEM! I am just curious what they are worth so that I know how much to insure them for. I told my dad to go on Antique Road Show and he said with his luck he'd haul it all there and they'd tell him it crap. I don't believe it is crap, but I am curious how much it is worth. I don't know much about appraisals. Can you have them done fairly cheap or free? Where is a good place to go in DeKalb? Just looking for suggestions.

Also, my dad is looking for someone who would be interested in buying some old records. His grandparents used to own a music/pinball store in downtown Garrett back in the day. It used to be THE place to go (or so I have been told by some teachers I worked with at Garrett). He has a ton of old records as well as some old punch boards in their original wrapper. If anyone has any ideas, again, let me know.

Songs, Songs, and More Songs

After a year and a half, I attempted to figure out my mp3 player. Yesterday I had success. I managed to add close to 100 songs to it. I finally found a song from the movie Facing the Giants. The song is played at an emotional point in the movie and when I watched the movie, the song made me cry. I was happy to find the song on Ares so I could add it to my mp3 player.

Soundtrack: Facing The Giants

Title: Never Give Up (Josh Bates)

Time after time you’ve been left behind

like the sun when it’s starting to rain

Time after time you’ve been forgotten

like a picture that’s faded with age

Time after time you ran after me

when I was still running away

Chorus: You never give up on me

No, You never give up on me T

hough I’m weak you are strong

You told me I still belong

No, you never, never give up on me T

ime after time I’ve used your grace

as a way to do what I please

I’ve taken for granted prayers that you answered

never been all I could be

You are holding out your hands

and now I clearly see

Chorus

You always erase all my mistakes

You lift me up when I'm down

Through all the ages, Your love never changes

You welcome me just as I am

Chorus

never give up, never give up on me...

Why do some grow up, and others get worse?

I got a disturbing email from a friend of mine this morning. Her boyfriend's (we'll call him J) new boss is a former classmate of ours. This former classmate, we'll call him D, always made comments about my friends body. Personally, she has a great body, but like all women, she is self conscious about certain parts. In high school, D, would always point things out and make sexual comments. It's amazing that he hasn't gotten slapped with a sexual harassment suite (yet). Well, when my friends boyfriend got his promotion, and found out who his boss was, my friend immediately told him, "Don't tell them you are with me." So her boyfriend kept is quiet. Well, D overheard my friends boyfriend and heard him mention her name. D, being the lovely neanderthal that he is, made a sexual comment. The boyfriend politely asked to leave personal life comments out of work. Well, D, being an idiot, wouldn't drop it. After some more sexual comments, the boyfriend slugged him in the face.

I know that violence is wrong. But I do respect the fact that J stood up for my friend. He didn't throw the punch right away. He asked D to stop. The old J would have beat the crap out of him without thinking.

This made me think. How come some people change so much after high school and other's don't? I have recently reconnected with an old classmate via facebook. This person in high school was your typical jock, but he knew his limits and he was very smart. He is not married to his high school sweetheart, etc. I messaged him the other day and I got back the sweetest reply. I told him flat out, "Wow, that was not the reply I expected from you, you have really changed." He said, "I married a good woman. She keeps me on track even when I want to stray."

So why has this person grown and changed and matured so much with D still remains in 9th grade?

Trouble with prayer?

I have always had trouble with prayer. I felt like I was reading off my "wants" list. Now that I think about it, I've struggled my whole life. No one ever taught me how to pray. I don't think there is one way to pray. I find myself praying in unconventional ways. I use music, big surprise. It helps me feel more connected.

Last month I was flipping through an old Today's Christian Woman and I saw an ad for Praying in Color. I ended up buying two copies. I had one shipped to me, and one to my sister. My sister is very creative and we are both right brained people.

I got my book last night, I love it. I sat and read the whole thing, then went and got my supplies to start "praying in color."

The book focuses on using quiet time drawing as prayer. You can focus on one person, idea, location, etc. It works very well! I have been struggling with how to pray for a friend of mine who is going through a rough time. I shut myself in the nursery with my sketch paper and new markers and went at it. It worked wonders. I found myself praying for someone (a person causing my friend pain) that I never thought I would pray for. I realized that as much as my friend needs prayer, the other person needs more. There is even a section in the book that gives you ideas on how to pray for your enemies. It is very interesting.

On my drive to wal-mart I found myself thinking of tons of ways to "pray" and things to pray for. I should write them all down, but I decided against it. I want God to lead me in prayer for the 1/2 an hour I have devoted each day.

I highly encourage anyone to try this, strong or weak prayer life. I am totally amazed by it and I've only done one session. It works for me because I am very visual. Every time I think of my friend I can picture what I drew and the words I wrote and I can spend a moment praying and thinking about what each person needs.

I just can't say enough about this book!

Inform Me, Please

I am working on updating my music collection and downloading some new songs. I am curious what "my readers" favorite worship/Christian/gospel songs are.

Here is what I have so far (so you can see just how wide spread my music tastes are)

Never Alone- Barlow Girl
The Last Night - Skillet
I Need You to Love Me - Barlow Girl
At the Foot of the Cross - Kathryn Scott
Welcome Home- Brian Litteral
In Christ Alone- Brian Litteral
I see Love- Thrid Day
Walking Her Home- Mark Schultz
Held- Natalie Grant
Homesick- Mercy Me

I am getting ready to head out ot my big every other month meeting. When I come back at 1:30 I hope to find a ton of comments with music suggestions.

Home Improvements

Here is my photo diary about the adventures in our front yard. Check it out.

I have a tummy!

Ok, strange phenomenon that I have noticed: When I wear regular pants, I don't look pregnant. When I put on a pair of maternity pants, BAM! I look like I'm 7 months pregnant.

I know what you ladies are thinking, the extra panel in the maternity pants allows for you belly to show, but when you wear "normal" jeans, it holds the tummy in. Not true. I've even tested my hypothesis wearing my jeans below my tummy. It's odd.

I am wearing maternity pants for the first time today. I must say it is an odd feeling to have your pants pulled halfway up your torso. If I don't pull them up that far the tummy panel hangs out below my shirt.

Apparently Taylor is enjoying the non squished home because he/she is constantly moving today. Only 15 more days till we find out the gender.......

Our Yard

As many of your know this spring we had some major issues with our sewer line. Fixing it was an ordeal, but we got it done. Thanks to Josh for his help (I can't thank him enough).

Well, since then our yard has looked like crud. Ayron is finally getting around to fixing it today. M came over this morning and I haven't called him since then. I'm afraid that when I get home nothing will have gotten done, but then I know better. M is helping, it will get done. I am excited to finally have our front yard back again. We have such a gorgeous lot and our front yard is an excellent place to play ball, etc. The ditch running through it has made it difficult. Scooter acutally fell into the hole yesterday morning. He was tracking a scent and it was still dark out and the next thing I see is his tail sticking up from the hole!

Hopefully no news from Ayron and M is good news. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and we'll see when I get home at 4:30.

This is a picture of the way it looked when I left this morning. I tried blowing the picture up, but it got grainy. This is how it will hopefully look. Notice how Ayron's legs are really long. Haha.

RIP BESSIE

Instead of uploading pictures to two different places, I'm taking the lazy way out. Check this out.

Inconsistencies

I hate inconsistencies. I am stuck in my ways, I admit it. Sure, I like the occasional change, but at work we don't have any consistency. It is getting really frustrated.

Yesterday I felt cruddy so I decided to go home early. I took my homework for the state (don't even ask, and no it's not done) with me. I got a phone call from one of our HD workers demanding to know where X was on Thursday. X was at the program. I saw X, I talked to X. I saw X's work on Friday morning. I know X was at the program. I told all of this to my co-worker to which she replied, "Well X's box didn't show X being there." Well, I'm telling ya, one of two things happened: the box's GPS needs to be looked at or X left her box at school and didn't realize it till later that night.

Then, I get up this morning feeling cruddier than yesterday, but knowing that I have a possible phone conference to Branch County Michigan and meetings the rest of the week, I drag myself to work. I get two emails from our office secretary. Apparently I didn't write the correct cause number on Q's drug screen form. I'm telling you, I only have one cause number for Q and that was the one probation gave me. Don't yell at me because it apparently isn't right. I politely sent an email to the secretary telling her that I obtained the number from probation and that I'd check on it this morning.

Then I got another email from the secretary telling me that drug screen results haven't been entered yet. No duh! I don't have the results yet. The urine just went out yesterday and it has to go California, be tested, then I get the results. The last line of the email said, "I just want to know if you are going to do it or not." That got me going. We have gone over this a thousand times. My boss told me that since the results go through the secretary first that she would enter them. She hasn't been, so for my own records I have been entering them in our data base. It's just frustrating. We spent so much time creating Standard Operating Procedures (I call them POS's) and no one uses them. Then I get yelled at/crapped on when I don't do things. Well, in the SOP, it says that someone else is supposed to do it. I do my job and I help other people by doing theirs so why am I always the one who feels like crap?

I am going to bring this up in our meeting next week. I'm going to point blankly ask my boss "Who is supposed to do A, B, C? Every time I ask, you give me a different answer and none of those answers match the SOP's so I want to know now. I am tired to getting yelled at for something I didn't do when it's not my job!"

It seems like one day I really like my job and then the next I'm done. It's really frustrating. I want to talk to my boss about it today but I don't even think he is in today.

Changes Changes and More Changes

Ahh, Monday mornings seem to attack me. Usually it's one bad thing after another, not today!

I was supposed to have 2 out of the 4 girls for tonight's program. I was going to stay after to see how things were going. I wasn't looking forward to staying after, but it looks good to the boss man. Turns out, one of those two is sick. No need to try to do a group activity with one person. So I cancelled the program for tonight.

I looked at my calendar and realized that all of my beginning of the month reports are done. I was efficient last week and got them all done. Check that off the list of things to do today.

I realized that I scheduled our next OBGYN appointment on a day that I will be out of town for work training. Fudge. I called the office and got an early appointment. We will now know the sex of Taylor on October 18th! The lady wanted me to schedule for the following week and I told her that was a very busy time for me at work (I wasn't lying, I do have a lot that week) so I was able to get the appointment a week earlier instead of a week later. Yeah!! Now only 17 days till we know the sex of the baby!!

I called my boss to remind him that we have a presentation at 7am this Saturday. Turns out he forgot and over booked himself. His brother is coming home and they will be in Detroit for a concert. He asked me to call and cancel. He said, "Oh, just tell them you have some type of baby appointment." To which I replied, "I am not taking the fall for this. I have already turned down some friends so I could do this presentation so you are going to take the heat for us cancelling." I called the guy and told him, "My boss accidentally double booked himself with some family stuff, can we reschedule."' So that is done. That means I don't have to get up at 5 Saturday morning. Phew!

All I really have left to do today is buy a gallon of milk, make a house payment and pay the car insurance. Should be an easy Monday. Good thing I brought a book!

Taylor is.......

stubborn! We were unable to find out Taylor's gender last night. Taylor likes to sit cross legged on his/her ankles. Oh, Taylor likes to suck his/her thumb and wave at the ultrasound. We now have to wait till October 26th to discover the baby's gender. Oh well, guess God is still working on teaching me patience.

I still need to scan the pictures in, maybe I'll attempt that this afternoon.

Quote

I love quotes. I have a journal full of them at home that I have collected as well as published books of quotes. I just love them!

I am reading The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom (author of Tuesday's with Morrie). It is an interesting book and I think now a movie too. Anyways, I came across this quote and it struck me. The protagonist is reunited with his former Army Captain and they are discussing how the Captain died (While escaping from enemy prison he stepped on a land mine while checking to see if the road was clear. The rest of the group was in an escape vehicle with the protagonist badly wounded in the backseat). The Captain says the following:

" That's the thing. Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious (talking about his own life to save the protagonist) you're not really losing it. You're just passing it on to someone else."

I don't know why, but that quote struck me. I guess I had never thought of sacrifice in that manner. It makes you look at sacrificing something in a whole new light.

OUCH!!!

Reuters - Wed Sep 26, 10:16 AM ET
Baby girl Nadia (L), who weighed 7.75 kg (17.1 lbs) after birth, lies in a maternity ward in the Siberian

Good Luck

I just want to say Good Luck to my two nieces who are showing their rabbits this morning. They each have one show rabbit and one meat rabbit. My oldest niece also has a meat pen. They had to be ready to show at 6:30 this morning so I am sure it wasn't easy to get them up, out of bed, dressed and to the barns that early. When we called at 7 they were on the judging table waiting for their turn. Hopefully the judging goes well and that tomorrow they sell the rabbits for big money. Big money means more money saved for college.

Looking In

Have you ever looked at your life as an outsider? Imagined how people see you and compare that to how you actually are at home. I recommend it, it can be very insightful.

As I was driving to work I was feeling a bit down about some things and I passed someone I know. I thought, "Now they have it all together. Great spouse, nice house, good job, etc." Then I wondered, "I wonder if they have any problems?" Of course we all have problems, we all don't share them, but we all have them. It sounds sick, but it made me feel better to realize that everyone has struggles.

I then wondered how our opinion of everyone would change if we all knew each others problems. Would be love them the same? I hope so, but deep down I know that would change some peoples minds.

Turtle or Hamburger

I have an ultra sound this afternoon and we are hoping to find out the gender of Taylor so we can start using the proper pronouns. For those of you who have never had an ultra sound, if they see a turtle, it's a boy. A hamburger is a girl. I am only 15 weeks and 5 days and they usually wait until at least 16 weeks, so we are hoping that Taylor cooperates and we can know.

I really don't care either way. I just want a healthy child. I would like to have a boy some where along the line, but I know that Ayron really wants Taylor to be a boy. Ayron is the last Reeves and he wants to carry on the name. I am afraid that he might be slightly disappointed if Taylor is a girl. I just really want to know that everything is ok. I read At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks this week and it freaked me out. If you are pregnant, don't read that book!

I am afraid I'll be disappointed if we get there and they can't tell. That would mean another month of waiting and wondering. We have been using the pronoun "he" when we are at home and once I slipped and said it in front of his family and they got all excited about Taylor being a boy. Once they calmed down I had to explain that we didn't know yet.

I'm also hoping to hear that I've gained weight. Odd, you never hear/read a woman say/write that, but I am. I've lost around 15 maybe 20 pounds so far this pregnancy. Ayron is concerned that I don't eat. I do! I just have been eating healthier. I am much more conscious about what I eat (of course as I write that I see a mini KitKat sitting on my desk and I am seriously thinking about devouring it). I hope I can keep that will power up after Taylor is here. I'd love to get back down to the size I was my freshman year in college (I didn't gain the frosh 20, I lost the frosh 25). Half of that KitKat is gone now.

I just wish I could speed up time and make it 2:45 so that I could know. Pray that all is well. Oh yeah, no more KitKat.

Cute Picture

He had one to many pretzels, or maybe it was one to many beer bottles that did him in.

Quotable Quotes

Here are two funny quotes from our (Ayron and I) conversations last night.

# 1 : I was feeling antsy so we went to the fair and walked through the tent (I didn't want to mess with downtown and the parade. We decided to check on our nieces rabbits down at the barns before we came home. As we were walking through the rabbit barn:

Me: I'll look on this side, you look on that side.
Ayron: Okay.
Me: Oh, Ayron, look rabbits.

Everyone looked at me like I was stupid. Of course there are rabbits, I was standing in the middle of the freaking rabbit barn. You should have seen the look on one of the 4-H fathers that was there cleaning cages. I'm sure I looked very dumb. What I intended to say was "Look, the girls' rabbits." Ok, so I guess you had to be there to hear me exclaim "Look, rabbits."

# 2: After we got home from the fair Ayron was complaining about how sore he was from playing flag football Sunday afternoon. He was moaning and groaning and I told him to take some Tylenol and a hot shower. He pouted like a little kid and said, "Even my fat rolls hurt." I fell to the floor laughing because when I turned to look at him he was holding his tummy pudge in his hands and closely examining it like if he looked close enough he could make it stop hurting.

I Love Being Productive

I love being busy at work. It makes the day go faster. I was grouchy this morning because I thought I'd have another boring day at work with nothing to do (I know, to some people that sounds great, but I'd rather be busy, makes the day go by quicker).

I managed to get a lot done today:

*I entered points into case management
* Updated point board
* Updated files in case management
* Talked to someone about our grant (thanks for the $2k)
* Finished planning October Activities for the after school program (took the longest)
* Cleaned off my desk
* Cleaned out my desk
* Cleaned out the mini fridge in my office
* Reran some cords to prevent tripping hazards
* Dusted in my office
* Cleaned off top of filing cabinet
* Cleaned off my bulletin board
* Did monthly Clerk assessments
* Started monthly probation reports

Now, if I could just find something to do to occupy the last hour and half of the day.

Random Rambles

I have a million thoughts going through my head right now and really, I can't link any of them together, but I feel the need to get them out there, so this blog will be a bit disjointed. This is nothing new if you know me, but believe me, there is a story behind each comment.

* What is the fascination with pregnant bellies? My sister wanted to take a picture of my stomach. I didn't show it off before I was pregnant, why start now? My Aunt wants Ayron to take belly pictures. I don't know why, but I'm not comfortable with that. I'm not a fan of documenting my weight in pictures to begin with, so why start while I'm gaining weight?

* Yeah for Justin. Going to the chapel and we're (actually they're) gonna get married. Going to Africa and they're gonna work with orphans......

* Why did Kianne call me right after running into ________? I don't mind, it just reminded me of being in high school. It was cool to learn what I learned.

* "Flag Football" doesn't exists when you get a bunch of guys together. People still end up getting tackled.

* I am not a fan of these out of control emotions. I found myself crying at "Save the Last Dance" while I was home on Saturday. Seriously! I know it's a movie, but still, I was bawling like a baby.

* I wasn't feeling kicks, I was feeling hiccups. Funny feeling, but I still want to feel a kick. I am getting excited about our appointment this Thursday. I am really hoping we can find out the sex. Pray that we can! I don't care either way, I just want Taylor to be healthy. I want to know. I think it will make it seem more real to me. Taylor will have a pronoun.

* The fair begins today. I have mixed feelings about the fair. I like the industrial tent. I like the animal barns. I don't like the scary people that run the rides and games. I don't like running into all of those people from high school you wished you'd never see again.

* My appetite is finally back! I went grocery shopping Saturday and I did a dumb thing. I went before eating lunch. I did manage to fight craving urges, but I am looking forward to that ham steak that is currently occupying the second shelf in the fridge.

* I think I have run out of things to say.....for now anyways.

Why Am I Here??

As I sit in my lonely office, I wonder, "Why am I even here?" I don't have any day students. I have put in my required hours for the week. I feel like left over mashed potatoes that have been left on the stove to rot. All of my after school kids are sick.

There are three things keeping me here today: I have a meeting with my boss at 10 (will last all of like 5 minutes), at work I have Internet access, waiting for the grant paperwork so I can buy computers.

I did manage to remember to bring a book today, so I guess I could occupy myself with that for awhile.

***********************

@ Nathan: Ahh, I would love that! It would give me a challenge and something to do. The busier I am the quicker time passes.

Kid Nation

I have been following the controversy about the new CBS show "Kid Nation." A lot of people and critics are against it. While I don't know all of the details, I do know that the controversy probably also caused a lot of people to watch the premiere last night. I did manage to catch several of the kids and parents being interviewed by morning shows yesterday. The kids and parents are comfortable with the whole thing.

Ayron and I watched the episode last night and were impressed. It is great to see kids that young with a solid head on their shoulders. It was also amazing to see all of the kids interact with Jimmy in an attempt to cheer him up. Even the two big bullies wanted him to stay. I think it will be a very interesting show to watch.

In My Condition

I just got off the phone with a co-worker. We were talking about something and she said, "In you're condition, that's probably the last thing you need." She said it like I was fatal ill. My mom has even begun to freak out. I got a bit of sun yesterday and she was sure I was hot, over heating, getting sun poisoning, something. At the reunion this past weekend I was stepping down from a wall (you just have to know the yard) and someone yelled at me for doing it.

Seriously people, I'm not dying, I'm not fragile, I'm pregnant. Millions of people have gone down this path before me. Thousands of women work in rice patties right up until the head pops out. People work in harsher conditions and do more on a daily basis than I do. I am be cautious, it's not like I'm out sky diving or anything. So please, while some women may want that babying, I don't . I'm not dying and I'm not handicapped. I can still (this could change) do things for myself.

I felt it, I think....I hope...

Sunday Ayron and I drug a bunch of clothes to the laundry mat. I am in the process of packing away summer clothes and unpacking fall/winter clothes. Everything needed to be washed. Why not wash at home you ask? Well, our washer has decided to become bulimic every time you try ot use her (if you have an eating disorder, that was not intended to hurt you). Ayron is supposed to pull it away from the wall and check some things, but that hasn't happened yet. So, we took everything to the laundry mat. Let me tell you, the laundry mat is an interesting place. If I had a creative writing assignment I was stuck on, I'd go there and sit. You could come up with a ton of story plots based on the people in there. Anyways, I'm getting off track.

After we loaded the washers, Ayron left to grab us some lunch. It was horribly hot in the building, so I took my book outside and sat down. As I was reading At First Sight I felt the oddest sensation. It was not a gas pain or a stomach growl. It was lower. I rubbed my flub and thought, "huh, odd." I kept reading for another couple of pages when it hit me. Taylor was kicking and I felt it! I had read in books that the first time you feel a kick it kind of feels like an odd gas pain. I think I felt Taylor kick. It is very odd, yet exciting all at the same time.

We are hoping when we go to the OBGYN next week they will be able to tell us the sex of the child. I will only be 15 weeks and 5 days (usually around week 16 they start checking). We are really hoping Taylor will be cooperative and allow us to know. I really hope we can know. I don't know if I can wait till around Halloween to find out. I think once I know the sex it will seem that much more real.

Approval

Why do we (ok, well, I) seek approval from those around me? I like to think that other's opinions of me does not matter, but that is not the case. I'm good at acting like I don't care, but deep down I do. I realized that this weekend.

I have been seeking a certain persons approval for 6 1/2 years now. Every time I think I've made progress, BAM, I'm slapped in the face with yet another comment/action from the person. I often ask myself, "why even bother?" I don't know why, but I do.

I have a fear that I will never live up to this persons standards and that I will always be left out. This was made apparent this weekend. Everyone else was introduced by this person, when it got to me, it was like I didn't exist. Then that person wonders why I was mad and decided to be anti-social for a time. I get it, I'm not perfect, I never will be. I'm fine with that, being perfect would be horrible. I just want to be accepted.

What really bugs me is that if there isn't a crowd around, this person is so nice and acknowledges me and all if fine. Then, in public or a crowd, suddenly, I'm invisible. This makes me think that the niceness this person gives in private is fake. It's just really frustrating and can take a toll on a persons emotions.

I have confronted this person three times over the years about their comments, actions, etc. Things are hunkie dorie for about a week, then the old person emerges. I am constantly amazed at how loving this persons spouse is, so I just don't get how this person can be such a cold hearted ......errr, ok, I know that's not fair. It's getting old and I don't know how much more of this persons junk I can take. I will never meet their standards, so why do I try?

Oh Happy Day...

Once again, work is slow. The schools haven't sent me any kids for the day program, and with ISTEP being next week, I'm pretty sure I won't get any then either.

When I got back from lunch with K, I had a message from my office secretary saying UPS had delievered a package for me. "Yeah rah," I thought. "My urine sample cups are in." Needless to say, I didn't rush right over to get the package. After discovering I had nothing to do, I made myself make the trek across the street to get the package.

I had forgotten that I ordered a lot of free things from www.teachingtolerance.org If anyone out there is a teacher and is looking for free resources, this site is amazing. I have fallen in love with the "One World" poster set. I can't wait to watch the three movies I ordered as well. They all focus around tolerance (hence the site name) and they all came with state standard lesson plans. The best part (well, besides being free) is that the lesson plans are cross curriculum. They have Language Arts lessons, Science lessons, Math, etc. I am so excited. I don't know if I'll be able to adapt any of them for activities with my after school program, but I can defiantly use them when I return to a public school.

If anyone who works with youth is looking for free tolerance materials, I highly recommend that site. It's great.

Two Weeks and Counting (Up)

Due to the fact that I work for the government (in a round about way) I do not have a paid maternity leave. I have been trying to stock up on extra comp time as well as not using vacation time or sick time. I checked my database today and so far, if you add my comp time as well as sick and vacation days I have a total of two weeks. Yeah! They have found work that I can do while I'm home with the baby, but I'd rather earn at least another 2-3 weeks of comp time in the next several months.

Radio Debate

I was listening to a local radio station this morning while I was getting ready for work. The DJ's were debating a recent news event. About a week ago a principal at a Cincinnati school mistakenly left her infant child in the car for 8 hours while she was at work. The police say the child's death was an accident. The mom says that she forgot the child because she changed her morning routine to stop for doughnuts and the child was sleeping and never made a sound.

The DJ's wanted to know the public's opinion on the following: Should she be able to keep her job? The callers had valid points on both sides of the issue. If she can't watch her own child, why should the school district put her in charge of a whole middle school? Everyone makes mistakes. Have you done nothing that would put your child in danger? Etc. It was interesting to hear the debate.

I haven't made up my mind about the whole thing. It seems that this is happening a lot lately. Mom thought dad had the child, mean while dad loaded the child in mom's car, mom leaves baby in car while at work, etc. I guess I just wonder how you could forget your child is in the car? Do you not use your rear view mirror? The child doesn't make any noise? You don't look in the backseat before you go into the building? I don't know, I've never been in that situation, and I pray that I never am. It is just sickening to know that this children were helpless.

What is your opinion on the principal? The school board met last night to decide her fate, but I haven't found their decision yet.

We Still Stand!

Spend today remember those who died. Those who willingly and unwillingly lost their lives 6 years ago today. Remember them and their families. Be grateful for your family and the freedom you have. Pray for those who selfishly rushed to "the Pile" to help those in need, and who are now suffering horrible health problems. Remember.

**I do not care what your views on the war are. I do not care what you think of Bush. I do not care about your political views. I do not push mine on you, so I am asking you to keep them to yourselves. Thank you.

For Real??

You have got to be kidding me? Check this out.

This bugs me for a couple of reasons.

1.) Is is that slow of a news day that most of the news stations were reporting on this?!

2.) They sent the burger to the state testing lab? Shouldn't those scientist be oh, well I don't know, trying to solve a murder or something?

3.) They actually put her in jail? Come on? Sure, let those rapists, murders, speeders, etc go, but nope, nope, that McDonalds employee who made a mistake must pay!

4.) Is McDonalds going bankrupt? Are they so stretched for money that they couldn't throw away the salted meat and start fresh?

How Can That Be?

I am confused. I lost 10 pounds last month (I know, I know, don't bother lecturing me, I get enough from Ayron and my OBGYN). So if I lost weight, why don't my pants fit? Here is what makes it really odd. They fit Friday night, and Saturday morning. Sunday afternoon, nope! I'm down to two pairs of jeans (the one is really pushing the tight factor) and one pair of khakis (which I currently cannot find). Blech. Time to admit defeat and start shopping for maternity pants.

I guess I shouldn't complain. I was talking with a friend yesterday (her due date is 10 days after mine) and she has already gained 10 pounds. She told me that with her previous two children she gained at least 60 pounds. YIKES! Granted she is a little lady, but I don't want to gain that much! It was comforting to talk to her husband though about fears. He admitted that he was so paranoid about something being wrong with their youngest (his first) that he nearly drove himself crazy. So at least I'm not alone there.

Prayer

Dear Lord,

Please bless the racing pigeon that just flew into my office window. Grant him/her eternal life up with all the other pigeons. It was not his fault he flew at the perfect angle to be caught in a wind current that slammed his/her little grey and white body into my perfectly clean window.

I also pray for his family. May they be able to support themselves without his love. Bless his former owner (his house is across the street from my office). May he be able to pick another pigeon out of his flock of several to fulfill George's (let's assume it was a boy) duty of pooping on my co-workers cars, attacking innocent people on the sidewalk, and just plain being a nuisance.

I also pray that the nice people doing community service at my office this weekend find George's body and provide him with the proper burial (just a hint, but there are two large dumpsters across the street). May they also clean the window that George greeted violently.

I am grateful Lord that George did not break my window, so thank you for that!

Amen.

I Miss High School

Ok, I know what you are thinking, "WHAT?!" Hear me out. I DO NOT MISS BEING A HIGH SCHOOLER, I miss teaching in a high school.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I had a terrible high school experience. 9th and 10th grade were rough, but that's to be expected. I had a ball my junior and senior year. I wish I had been more active in high school, but at that time, my priorities were elsewhere.

I realized that I missed working in a high school this morning. I have been forced to change my mindless drive to work due to construction. Leaving earlier than normal found me caught in high school traffic. As I sat in a long line on 427, I began remembering my student teaching experience. I loved those kids. Don't start thinking I'm like one of those sex crazed teachers that has/wants to seduce a student, that's that yuckie and gross. I saw them as mini adults that were trying to find their way. I helped them find their way. In return they didn't see me as the enemy teacher, they saw me as a person who is willing to help them succeed at anything. I will admit that I am jealous of two of my friends. They have jobs working at the high school we attended. I would love to! I hope to.

I want to be able to teach, create lesson plans, inspire and help. I spend my time now cautiously stepping over government red tape and filing reports. I want to rediscover my passion for Beowulf and Canterbury Tales. Oh, and redo my lesson plans for The Crucible. I miss those kids. I was surfing through friends "friends list" on facebook the other day and I saw DW. I had him as a junior and now he is a freshman in college. I see his parents at church, but I'm sure they really don't know who I am.

I just really want a public school job.........

I Don't Want To (Part II)

Here is an interesting update on a previous post. I did a little more digging on the whole situation. I don't want to believe that this person is lying to me, but in this business, it does happen.

As I was reviewing drug screens today, I noticed that my students mother had recently been screened. To my "shock," mom tested positive for THE SAME THING! Hmmmm. That's a head scratcher.

Unconditional Love

It seems the theme of unconditional love has been popping up a lot in my life lately. I have been talking to my friend (post from yesterday) about love and relationships. When I finally allowed myself to be quiet (yeah, yeah, make your jokes here) this song kept ringing in my ears. Maybe it's because I just got the cd and it was in the cd player, but I choose to believe HE had a hand in it.

Simply Nothing - Shawn McDonald

So hard to fathom the pain in Your eyes

As You're watching Your children, doing what You despise

In pursuit of our own

We just go round and round

Another nail to our cause

We continue to pound

What are you, man, if you do not learn love

What are you, man, if you do not learn love

So hard to fathom, oh, the feelings inside

As You're watching Your people choosing to die

You called out a warning

To all that would hear

Saying come to Me, come to Me

And I will draw near

Learn love

I must

Learn love

Learn love

Learn love

Learn love

Learn love

Only My Husband...

If you know my husband and myself at all, you know we are constantly blaming each other's faults on our high school experience. We attended rival high schools, and ironically enough, is was that rivalry that brought us together.

As we were driving home from his brother's the other night I asked what he wanted to do with the evening. I secretly he would say, "Well, I thought I'd start by helping you clean the "nursery," and then I'll attempt to fix the washer, then end the evening by taking Scooter for a walk." (Hey, I can dream can't I?) His real response was, "I think I want to play some playstation." When he asked me, I replied, "I could go for nine rounds of Hot Shot's golf." He looked disappointed. He loves when I willingly play playstation with him. I asked him why he looked disappointed. This is the conversation that followed.

Ayron: Well, I, uh, just noticed that you haven't been reading a lot lately.

Me: Yeah, I kind of burnt myself out this summer reading one a day.

Ayron: Well, its just that, Taylor is going to get his/her dashing looks and charm from me, and you're the only shot Taylor has at brains, so don't let your brains go by playing playstation.

I laughed so hard. He was serious. I wish I could have captured his face.

Me: Well, you're right, after all, I'm the one who graduated from DeKalb.

Ayron: I won't hold it against you. You got your brains in college, after all you graduated with an IU degree.

So, like a nerd I dove back into my summer reading list. While I read a lot of books this summer, none of them were on my list of books I planned on reading. I am currently reading my way through the Eliot Rosewater collection for young adults. I want to have a broad knowledge of several books when a student asks me for a recommendation. In the past two days, I have read two books. I read The Nanny Diaries for laughs. After finishing that I concluded there is no way I could ever be a nanny, not that I ever wanted to be. Yesterday I read That Crazy Little Thing Called Love. This book is truly insightful. It is a Christian book based around principals of marriage, but each chapter is a song title. It is a very good book. I recommend it to anyone who is married or thinking about getting married.

Today I will start Free Inside and Out. I don't think I'll be able to get through it all today since I have a two hour meeting this morning and some reports to write this afternoon, but who knows.

So hopefully Taylor benefits from all of this reading, Lord knows I don't want him/her to have an Eastside education. I am joking. I have several friends who graduated from Eastside, I do not mean it literally, so don't get all huffy and defensive.

I don't want to

I don't want to believe it. I just don't. I like to think that people are generally good and that the kids I work with are the way they are due to environment. I think our environment does shape who we are and how we act. Most of my "kids" come from dysfunctional families, so no surprise they have similar issues to their parents. I do believe that they can choose to overcome their situation and create a better life for themselves.

I have one kid in particular who is a doll. I haven't had any problems from her. She is always on time, polite, interactive, etc. She is 9 day from being done with my program. I just got her drug screen results back. She tested positive. I didn't believe it. I searched the drug on line. It's an anti-anxiety drug. Ok, so I called mom. "Is ______ on any prescription medicine?" "No, she takes allergy stuff and some herbal vitamins, but all of that is over the counter." I thought, ahh, it's the herbals, they are causing her to throw a false positive. I called our drug screen expert, nope, it's not the herbals.

As I was talking to the drug screen expert they said, "You'll have those people that will shock you. Get used to it." I don't want to get used to it. I don't want to expect the kids to fail. What kind of example is that? If they know I am expecting them to fail, then they will do something to cause them to fail. As much as I don't like having my hope in someone dashed, I don't want to become numb to it. I firmly believe in this kid. She is in counseling, 2 different drug education classes, family counseling, etc. It's just disheartening.

Emotions Part II

I have discovered that I have gotten extremely well at hiding emotions from people, even my husband. I know this is not good. It seems that I can't have a normal calm life for more than a week at a time. While it does keep me on my toes, it also can wear me down. I don't know why, but all of these emotions came to a head this morning while I was checking my email and I'm sure I look like a mess right now, so I am grateful to be at work alone.

About a month ago, I found out that someone I thought I was close to, was keeping a very large secret from me. Someone else let it slip. When they let it slip, they blew it off like it was no big deal. The secret is life changing for not only the person that was keeping it from me, but for me as well as others in my life. Here is the part that got me. When the person found out that I knew, they asked me to keep it a secret from someone. How can they do that? Don't they understand how it affected me? That person doesn't deserve to be blindsided with such a change like I was. If I tell you the life changing "secret" it will be very easy for the person who isn't suppose to know to figure it out. It's great that these people trust me so well, but don't they see the situation that put me in? I just want to call this person and scream "TELL THEM! OR I WILL!" I know that isn't appropriate, but at least I wouldn't be the only one who knew.

Ayron keeps asking me how I feel about the whole thing and I keep saying, "Fine. It's that persons decision, not mine, so I'm going to have to live with it." I try to brush it off like it's no big deal, but on the inside I'm screaming "It's not fair!" I'm half tempted to tell the person out of spite, but I know that isn't right. If people keep choosing me to tell their secrets too, why can't they at least be happy secrets?

Emotions....Arg.

It seems that my emotions are in full gear. I was thinking about a past situation during my car ride to work and decided to blog about it. When I got to work, I read a disturbing email and my previous idea will wait.

I grew up with someone and while we were close in elementary school, we went our ways in middle and high school. We went to the same college (before I moved home) but never really crossed paths. I think we may have emailed a couple of times, but that was about it.

Recently we have gotten back into each other's lives. I love it. It's someone to "remember when" with. We are constantly asking each other questions because our upbringing and personalities are very similar.

Without going into details, he is going through a rough time with the love of his life. She is here in Indiana finishing up college while he is establishing himself in Everett Washington. I know that is must be hard, heck it's hard fo rme and we aren't together! They have hit a rough spot. As I was reading his email I began to bawl. I couldn't help it. I had to make myself stop typing and make copies so I could allow my eyes some time to clear.

I guess my question is how do I comfort him from so far away? I can't go over and say "hi." I can't drop a misery loves company candy basket by his apartment. I don't even know if the words I wrote will be of any comfort. I have not been in a situation like the one he is in. Well, sort of, but that was a dumb high school situation, not a real life one. He is a very devout Chrisitian and I am thinking of spending the day looking up verses in hopes they inspire hope and provide comfort. I have sat here and cried and prayed for him for the past ten minutes, but I would like to think that I can do more. I just wish I knew what to do to help him.

Am I Flexible?

I like to think that I am a pretty mellow person. I try to stay calm, but at times I lose it. This weekend I discovered that I have become very good at hiding my panic.

Friday afternoon turned into a testing situation for me. I knew that I had people coming to the house to cook hot dogs. I spent Thursday evening and Friday morning making sure the house looked somewhat presentable. Well, to make a long story short, the grill wouldn't work and I ended up boiling about 700 hot dogs. I was getting very frustrated. Not at the people, at the whole situation. I wasn't feeling well, and I know that is not an excuse, but it did not help the situation. It just seemed like chaos. Everything did come together, but I still just felt panicked all evening. I couldn't really relax and enjoy the company of the people I was with.

What has happened to cause me to lose my patience? Did I ever have any to begin with? Will it come back? I sure hope it does.

Friday

If you are in Auburn this weekend and have nothing to do on Friday night, head up town. There will be a ton of activities going on. There is a cruise in, art show, kids art tent, the radio station, and ME!

Friday evening I will be hanging out in front of Indiana Real Estate (Thank's Dave). A group of friends will be doing something fun. I'm not going to tell you what, you'll have to come and see!!!

Another Sleepless Night

Ayron and I have been having trouble sleeping through the night lately. For no reason we just wake up every hour and a half. We had a lovely conversation at 2:42am this morning. I used to be able to sleep for 10 hours without so much as even rolling over.

The lack of sleep makes getting up in the morning harder too. I used to be a morning person. I could get a whole day's worth of work done before noon. Not now. I'm lucky if I get a whole day's worth of work done before I go to bed.

Any suggestions?

Bring on the Crazies!!

Well, as anyone who has ever lived in DeKalb county knows, the crazies are on their way. If you are not familiar with out little town of Auburn, allow me to give you a brief history lesson.

One day a long long time ago, E.L. Cord created a car factory in our town. They created several types of cars. Now, fast forward a little bit. Someone in the Kruse family decided to turn Labor Day into Crazy Fest. Every Labor Day weekend, Auburn is home to the largest car auction in the world. We have had such cars as the Popemobile, Batmobile, and the car from Back to the Future (the Darian? Who knows, I'm not into cars). With the famous and expensive cars comes their rich and usually odd owners.

To prove my "they have way too much money point" here is a story. I worked at Scott's while I was in high school. During ACD weekend I once had a guy come into the store, purchase a pack of Big Red chewing gum, not even a big pack mind you, the 5-piece kind. He proceeded to pay for his gum with a $500. Seriously. It was freaking 6:30 in the morning. I had just gotten my drawer, like I had $499.74 in change to give him.

These odd people come from all over the world. I am not kidding. But, along with the crazies, you get the occasional celebrity (who's to say they aren't crazy too?) The owner of Chick-Fil-A is always here, and very nice. Jay Leno is known to show up. David Letterman makes an appearance every couple of years. Our little town is transformed, our roads blocked, restaurants crammed, gas stations full, and some citizens are smart enough to leave. Our little town easily reaches at least 1/2 a million for the week. The auction starts on Thursday and goes until Tuesday. I am sure that the many RV's, station wagons, trailers, and other methods of transportation are already filling up the empty parking spots around town.

If you are willing to brave the elements and the crazies, then by all means, come to town. If you can help it, avoid the interstate. If you live in Auburn and can get out, GET OUT NOW!!